But there's still traces of me in your veins

Inferno

The next day, Sunday, I rested. My mind was exhilarated from the night before. Then Scott called. He was in a good mood. Relief washed over me. He didn't know what I did. We had a rather pleasant conversation and then hung up.

Monday at school, Mel caught up with me in the hall. "Sam is mad that we didn't invite her Saturday night. Get ready for the weekend!" Then she hugged me and skipped off to class. I was so happy to have a friend! I confidently walked to my classroom. Later on that day I ran into Sam in the hall. She hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and promised me some fun for the weekend. Mel and I had a class together before lunch. She told me I needed to come to lunch with her. When the bell rang to let class out, I quickly called Scott and told him I had to go to tutoring for my lunch period and could not talk to him. Then I followed Mel and Sam out to Mel's car. We got in, Mel handed out cigarettes and we drove to Jeremy’s house where Ninja was staying. We got out and Ninja came outside. He hugged Sam, then me, then picked Mel up and kissed her. We all sat in the back yard and smoked more cigarettes. It was cold out but we all wore thick winter coats. Ninja planned out the weekend. I couldn't wait.

Every day was like this. I lied to Scott to keep him from calling me at lunch. Occasionally he did call. Mel would pull the car over and she, Ninja and Sam would keep quiet while I whispered to Scott that I was in class. Then we would drive around and smoke cigarettes, listen to music and talk. I felt so good. I had friends again. I was accepted.

The weekend finally came. I told my mom that I was going to a sleepover with Mel and Sam. We met near a park and got into Mel's car. Then we picked up Sam, and then Ninja. Ninja had already scored the meth that he called 'dope', which it would be referred to from then on. Ninja suggested that we go to "Mom's" house. I asked who Mom was and they told me, it was Adrian's mom. I suddenly remembered how strangely she was acting the drunken night I, Scott, Adrian and Janet had stayed over. So she did dope! We got there and she ran to hug me. She was pleasantly surprised to see that I did drugs too. "This is just her second time!", Ninja told her. Adrian wasn't home and she asked me not to tell him what she did. I agreed and we all sat around the living room. Ninja pulled out his pipe, Mom went to her bedroom and came back with her pipe and they pulled out the small baggie and started scooping a little bit of white crystal into them. the lighters came out and I watched them inhale. My heart started beating quicker in anticipation. Then it was my turn. Ninja asked if I wanted him to pull my hit. I did.

I was feeling great. I started telling Mom how mean Scott had become. She was shocked to hear all the hateful things he said to me. Later, Mel got a call on her phone. It was Jeremy and he asked for Ninja. After he hung up, he told us that Jeremy and Steven had scored some dope and were looking for a place to do it. They were on their way. I was a little surprised to hear that Steven did dope too until Ninja told me that in the summer when Scott and him were over at Steven’s, Steven’s mom pulled Ninja away to give him a hit of hers. I was more surprised to hear that she did it.

When Jeremy and Steven arrived, we began passing around the pipes again. By the middle of the night, my head was pulsing. It was a very strange sensation. I was surprised that nothing hurt. By daybreak, I headed home.

We kept this ritual for a few more weeks. Then one day Scott was sweeter than he had ever been. I knew he had been smoking weed and was pretty high but I was so happy to hear him in a good mood. He told me that I should look for a job so that I can start saving money and as soon as I had enough, he would be able to come home and we could live together. I decided to quit doing drugs. I abandoned my friends because Scott promised me such nice things. I still spoke to them in school but declined to go to lunch with them and made excused on the weekends. I started applying for jobs. Nearly a month passed and I got a call from Sears. They were looking to hire a Fine Jewelry associate and gave me a date for an interview. I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot, just one thing though, I needed to go in for a drug test. I was pretty confident that I was clean so I didn't sweat it. I went in, passed and got ready for my new job. Scott was so proud of me. I needed to go shopping for work clothes. It was hard finding work clothes. I was maybe 97-98lbs. I bought everything in the smallest size.

I got a new haircut and started my new job. I stood in the glass case corral looking at all the diamonds while my new co-workers taught me how to work the cash register, how to lock and unlock the cases and taught me the combination to the diamond safe. I felt very grown up as I got into the computer and requested time off for the day I was to graduate and for the week long vacation to Hawaii my family was going to take me on to celebrate.

I worked there for a couple of weeks, doing pretty well when Sam called me. "I'm having a birthday party at my friends apartment. You HAVE to come." I knew what was going to happen at that party, but it was important to her that I be there so I agreed to go. Just one more night of partying and that would be it, I promised myself.

The day of the party, Scott called. I took a deep breath and told him, very matter-of-factly that I was going to Sam's house for her birthday. I was going to spend the night and there was nothing he could do to stop me. He lost his temper, which I assumed he would, and put the phone down while I worked on a painting I had been been laboring over for a few days. I picked the phone up occasionally to see if he was still screaming. He was. I put the phone down again and continued painting. When he was finished, I calmly told him again that I was going and hung up.

That evening, I drove up to the apartments and found which one Sam said to look for. I knocked and Sam pulled me in. Inside was a girl named Kaylee who I was acquaintances with and two guys who I didn't know. Sam introduced them as Adam (not that Adam) and Gary. Adam touched my thin arms and said "Wow, you really are a tweaker girl." I didn't tell him that was just years of intentional starvation. "Mel and Ninja are out looking to score." Sam said. We sat around for hours. Sam put on a Mudvayne CD. More hours passed. It was 3 in the morning when Daniel, the one who lived in the apartment, a girl named Megan and a girl with flame red hair and tall black boots named Jessi burst in. They introduced themselves to me and sat around with us for a while. Jessi was sitting in Daniel’s lap and made out with him sloppily while Megan told me that she was Daniel’s sister. Then Jessi and Megan got up and left. Gary pulled a pipe and some weed out of his pocket and asked if anyone wanted to smoke. Adam and Sam were asleep on Daniel's bed. Daniel said he didn't smoke and if we were going to, to do it near the window. Kaylee agreed and her, Gary, and I huddled around the window and got pretty high. We got the munchies so Daniel drove my car through an all night burger place while we sat in the back seat laughing at the white guy who looked like Snoop Dogg, who worked there. I took everyone's fries since that was about the only thing they served that didn't contain meat. We drove back to the apartment and waited for Mel and Ninja to get back. sitting there, I got a call from Scott. I hushed everyone and snuck into the bathroom. Scott was drunk and in a bad mood. We started arguing. He told me that he did not like me being at Sam’s house. I told him it was too bad. He heard Daniel and Adam talking outside. He demanded to know who it was. Luckily he knew that Sam had two brothers. I told him that's who it was. He demanded to know if they had hit on me. I told him no, they were very respectful. Sam's brothers were big and Scott knew it so he didn't push that subject further. He then demanded to know why I was up at 4:30 in the morning. I told him that he had woken me up and that I was tired and would very much like to go back to sleep. We argued some more. I raised my voice a few times and then finally got him to let me hang up. When I emerged from the bathroom, Daniel patted me on the back. I took some time to describe to him what Scott was like.

Finally, Mel and Ninja walked through the door. Ninja turned and locked the door tight. He had just bought $200 worth of dope. We all went into the kitchen and sat around the table. Daniel declined the drugs but sat down to talk with us. We each pulled out our lighters while Sam gathered the pipes and Ninja pulled out the most dope I had ever seen. Then we started. An hour in Ninja suggested we do hot rails. Gary refused. His uncle died that way. That did not scare me away. Ninja asked for a candle. He had a pipe with the globe part broken off. One side he had wrapped in electrical tape. He crushed up some of the crystals into a fine powder and made 4 lines. He heated the untaped side of the pipe in the flame of the candle for a few seconds, then he put the side with the electrical tape to his nose, snorted a line, and exhaled the vapor from his mouth. That was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then Sam did hers, then Mel, next me. That was way more intense than just smoking it alone and decided that once was enough. We smoked the rest. We smoked until 7:30. Then we were out.

Two days later at school, we were still strung out. Drugs were our weekend thing but something was making us want to do it sooner. My vow to do it once more and be finished with it went out the window. Tuesday night I didn't have to work so we planned to meet up at T’s house. Unfortunately Sam couldn't make it so it was just me, Mel and Ninja. We passed the pipe around for a while and then Ninja and Mel disappeared into the kitchen. Donny passed me a joint. I took a hit, then T. passed me the pipe. When Mel and Ninja returned I asked them what they were doing. Mel opened up her purse to show me an orange syringe. "It's the best. You have to try it." She told me. My eyes widened. "Ninja does it really good. You'll be okay." I thought about it. I did want to experience something more intense than the hot rails so I took a deep breath and agreed. Ninja told me we better leave because T didn't approve of needles. We said goodbye and all got in my car. They told me to head to the park across town. I was on a combination of uppers and downers and had a really hard time driving. I stopped about 20 feet in front of a green light thinking it was red, then flew over a hill. A cop was sitting at the bottom of the hill and for some amazing reason he didn't want to pull me over so just flashed his spot light as a warning. I slowed down to 10 miles under the speed limit until we finally arrived at the park. It was completely dark but as an added precaution, we rolled our coats up into the windows so no one would be able to see inside. Ninja and I climbed into the back seat while Mel sat up front and poured some water out of a coke bottle into the cap. Ninja pulled out a tin box and opened it. Inside he took a new syringe still in the package, a spoon head, a small ball of cotton and some dope. He poured a little dope into the spoon, opened the syringe and took a little water from the cap Mel held, and squirted it into the spoon. Then he dropped some cotton into the spoon that absorbed the mixture. He rolled up my sleeve and tightened a black tourniquet around my upper arm. He told me to flex my hand until it felt numb. While I did this he sucked the mixture into the syringe. My heart pounded and I felt nauseous. I couldn't believe what I was doing. No turning back, though. He slapped my inner elbow to expose a vein. Then he told me to take a deep breath. I turned my head and closed my eyes. I felt a prick and then a warm feeling rushed over me. My heart sped up so fast I thought it would burst. I felt amazing. "Wow!" I shouted. Mel and Ninja laughed. Ninja sucked a little water into the syringe and told me to open my mouth. I did and he squirted the water into my mouth. Tasted like bloody dope. He put the cap onto the syringe and stuffed it into my purse. "Keep that for later." He told me.

Unfortunately it was a school night and I had to go home. I drove them back to Mel's car and left. When I got home I dodged my family and hid in my dark room. I had no idea how to tweak by myself. I always talked to people. So I finished my 300 page book and then pulled out my journal. I was afraid that my mom would come in if the light was on, even though it was the middle of the night and all were asleep, so I used the light of my clock and wrote for hours. I had no idea what I was writing but I continued. At 7:30, my alarm went off and I put down my pen. I had written 53 pages, front and back. The words were sloppy and sloped down. I tucked my journal into my backpack and went to the bathroom to get ready for school. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I couldn't even see the green of my eyes. I got dressed and walked into the kitchen. I kept my eyes squinted and pretended to yawn while my mom put breakfast in front of me. When she disappeared into her room, I took one bite of food, felt sick, spit it out and fed it to my dog. One thing I really liked about dope was that it was an amazing appetite suppressant.

I got to school and examined my arm. I had a yellowish purple bruise and a small red dot where the needle entered. I never could understand my ways of thinking but I always felt that doing shocking things in a way signified who I was. I felt the same way scaring other students with my Satanic friends a year ago. When I got to class with Mel, we laughed about how sore our arms were and bragged to Sam. She was so jealous and made us promise to do it again with her on the weekend.