But there's still traces of me in your veins

Inferno

The next day, Sunday, I rested. My mind was exhilarated from the night before. Then Scott called. He was in a good mood. Relief washed over me. He didn't know what I did. We had a rather pleasant conversation and then hung up.

Monday at school, Mel caught up with me in the hall. "Sam is mad that we didn't invite her Saturday night. Get ready for the weekend!" Then she hugged me and skipped off to class. I was so happy to have a friend! I confidently walked to my classroom. Later on that day I ran into Sam in the hall. She hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and promised me some fun for the weekend. Mel and I had a class together before lunch. She told me I needed to come to lunch with her. When the bell rang to let class out, I quickly called Scott and told him I had to go to tutoring for my lunch period and could not talk to him. Then I followed Mel and Sam out to Mel's car. We got in, Mel handed out cigarettes and we drove to Jeremy’s house where Ninja was staying. We got out and Ninja came outside. He hugged Sam, then me, then picked Mel up and kissed her. We all sat in the back yard and smoked more cigarettes. It was cold out but we all wore thick winter coats. Ninja planned out the weekend. I couldn't wait.

Every day was like this. I lied to Scott to keep him from calling me at lunch. Occasionally he did call. Mel would pull the car over and she, Ninja and Sam would keep quiet while I whispered to Scott that I was in class. Then we would drive around and smoke cigarettes, listen to music and talk. I felt so good. I had friends again. I was accepted.

The weekend finally came. I told my mom that I was going to a sleepover with Mel and Sam. We met near a park and got into Mel's car. Then we picked up Sam, and then Ninja. Ninja had already scored the meth that he called 'dope', which it would be referred to from then on. Ninja suggested that we go to "Mom's" house. I asked who Mom was and they told me, it was Adrian's mom. I suddenly remembered how strangely she was acting the drunken night I, Scott, Adrian and Janet had stayed over. So she did dope! We got there and she ran to hug me. She was pleasantly surprised to see that I did drugs too. "This is just her second time!", Ninja told her. Adrian wasn't home and she asked me not to tell him what she did. I agreed and we all sat around the living room. Ninja pulled out his pipe, Mom went to her bedroom and came back with her pipe and they pulled out the small baggie and started scooping a little bit of white crystal into them. the lighters came out and I watched them inhale. My heart started beating quicker in anticipation. Then it was my turn. Ninja asked if I wanted him to pull my hit. I did.

I was feeling great. I started telling Mom how mean Scott had become. She was shocked to hear all the hateful things he said to me. Later, Mel got a call on her phone. It was Jeremy and he asked for Ninja. After he hung up, he told us that Jeremy and Steven had scored some dope and were looking for a place to do it. They were on their way. I was a little surprised to hear that Steven did dope too until Ninja told me that in the summer when Scott and him were over at Steven’s, Steven’s mom pulled Ninja away to give him a hit of hers. I was more surprised to hear that she did it.

When Jeremy and Steven arrived, we began passing around the pipes again. By the middle of the night, my head was pulsing. It was a very strange sensation. I was surprised that nothing hurt. By daybreak, I headed home.

We kept this ritual for a few more weeks. Then one day Scott was sweeter than he had ever been. I knew he had been smoking weed and was pretty high but I was so happy to hear him in a good mood. He told me that I should look for a job so that I can start saving money and as soon as I had enough, he would be able to come home and we could live together. I decided to quit doing drugs. I abandoned my friends because Scott promised me such nice things. I still spoke to them in school but declined to go to lunch with them and made excused on the weekends. I started applying for jobs. Nearly a month passed and I got a call from Sears. They were looking to hire a Fine Jewelry associate and gave me a date for an interview. I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot, just one thing though, I needed to go in for a drug test. I was pretty confident that I was clean so I didn't sweat it. I went in, passed and got ready for my new job. Scott was so proud of me. I needed to go shopping for work clothes. It was hard finding work clothes. I was maybe 97-98lbs. I bought everything in the smallest size.

I got a new haircut and started my new job. I stood in the glass case corral looking at all the diamonds while my new co-workers taught me how to work the cash register, how to lock and unlock the cases and taught me the combination to the diamond safe. I felt very grown up as I got into the computer and requested time off for the day I was to graduate and for the week long vacation to Hawaii my family was going to take me on to celebrate.

I worked there for a couple of weeks, doing pretty well when Sam called me. "I'm having a birthday party at my friends apartment. You HAVE to come." I knew what was going to happen at that party, but it was important to her that I be there so I agreed to go. Just one more night of partying and that would be it, I promised myself.

The day of the party, Scott called. I took a deep breath and told him, very matter-of-factly that I was going to Sam's house for her birthday. I was going to spend the night and there was nothing he could do to stop me. He lost his temper, which I assumed he would, and put the phone down while I worked on a painting I had been been laboring over for a few days. I picked the phone up occasionally to see if he was still screaming. He was. I put the phone down again and continued painting. When he was finished, I calmly told him again that I was going and hung up.

That evening, I drove up to the apartments and found which one Sam said to look for. I knocked and Sam pulled me in. Inside was a girl named Kaylee who I was acquaintances with and two guys who I didn't know. Sam introduced them as Adam (not that Adam) and Gary. Adam touched my thin arms and said "Wow, you really are a tweaker girl." I didn't tell him that was just years of intentional starvation. "Mel and Ninja are out looking to score." Sam said. We sat around for hours. Sam put on a Mudvayne CD. More hours passed. It was 3 in the morning when Daniel, the one who lived in the apartment, a girl named Megan and a girl with flame red hair and tall black boots named Jessi burst in. They introduced themselves to me and sat around with us for a while. Jessi was sitting in Daniel’s lap and made out with him sloppily while Megan told me that she was Daniel’s sister. Then Jessi and Megan got up and left. Gary pulled a pipe and some weed out of his pocket and asked if anyone wanted to smoke. Adam and Sam were asleep on Daniel's bed. Daniel said he didn't smoke and if we were going to, to do it near the window. Kaylee agreed and her, Gary, and I huddled around the window and got pretty high. We got the munchies so Daniel drove my car through an all night burger place while we sat in the back seat laughing at the white guy who looked like Snoop Dogg, who worked there. I took everyone's fries since that was about the only thing they served that didn't contain meat. We drove back to the apartment and waited for Mel and Ninja to get back. sitting there, I got a call from Scott. I hushed everyone and snuck into the bathroom. Scott was drunk and in a bad mood. We started arguing. He told me that he did not like me being at Sam’s house. I told him it was too bad. He heard Daniel and Adam talking outside. He demanded to know who it was. Luckily he knew that Sam had two brothers. I told him that's who it was. He demanded to know if they had hit on me. I told him no, they were very respectful. Sam's brothers were big and Scott knew it so he didn't push that subject further. He then demanded to know why I was up at 4:30 in the morning. I told him that he had woken me up and that I was tired and would very much like to go back to sleep. We argued some more. I raised my voice a few times and then finally got him to let me hang up. When I emerged from the bathroom, Daniel patted me on the back. I took some time to describe to him what Scott was like.

Finally, Mel and Ninja walked through the door. Ninja turned and locked the door tight. He had just bought $200 worth of dope. We all went into the kitchen and sat around the table. Daniel declined the drugs but sat down to talk with us. We each pulled out our lighters while Sam gathered the pipes and Ninja pulled out the most dope I had ever seen. Then we started. An hour in Ninja suggested we do hot rails. Gary refused. His uncle died that way. That did not scare me away. Ninja asked for a candle. He had a pipe with the globe part broken off. One side he had wrapped in electrical tape. He crushed up some of the crystals into a fine powder and made 4 lines. He heated the untaped side of the pipe in the flame of the candle for a few seconds, then he put the side with the electrical tape to his nose, snorted a line, and exhaled the vapor from his mouth. That was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then Sam did hers, then Mel, next me. That was way more intense than just smoking it alone and decided that once was enough. We smoked the rest. We smoked until 7:30. Then we were out.

Two days later at school, we were still strung out. Drugs were our weekend thing but something was making us want to do it sooner. My vow to do it once more and be finished with it went out the window. Tuesday night I didn't have to work so we planned to meet up at T’s house. Unfortunately Sam couldn't make it so it was just me, Mel and Ninja. We passed the pipe around for a while and then Ninja and Mel disappeared into the kitchen. Donny passed me a joint. I took a hit, then T. passed me the pipe. When Mel and Ninja returned I asked them what they were doing. Mel opened up her purse to show me an orange syringe. "It's the best. You have to try it." She told me. My eyes widened. "Ninja does it really good. You'll be okay." I thought about it. I did want to experience something more intense than the hot rails so I took a deep breath and agreed. Ninja told me we better leave because T didn't approve of needles. We said goodbye and all got in my car. They told me to head to the park across town. I was on a combination of uppers and downers and had a really hard time driving. I stopped about 20 feet in front of a green light thinking it was red, then flew over a hill. A cop was sitting at the bottom of the hill and for some amazing reason he didn't want to pull me over so just flashed his spot light as a warning. I slowed down to 10 miles under the speed limit until we finally arrived at the park. It was completely dark but as an added precaution, we rolled our coats up into the windows so no one would be able to see inside. Ninja and I climbed into the back seat while Mel sat up front and poured some water out of a coke bottle into the cap. Ninja pulled out a tin box and opened it. Inside he took a new syringe still in the package, a spoon head, a small ball of cotton and some dope. He poured a little dope into the spoon, opened the syringe and took a little water from the cap Mel held, and squirted it into the spoon. Then he dropped some cotton into the spoon that absorbed the mixture. He rolled up my sleeve and tightened a black tourniquet around my upper arm. He told me to flex my hand until it felt numb. While I did this he sucked the mixture into the syringe. My heart pounded and I felt nauseous. I couldn't believe what I was doing. No turning back, though. He slapped my inner elbow to expose a vein. Then he told me to take a deep breath. I turned my head and closed my eyes. I felt a prick and then a warm feeling rushed over me. My heart sped up so fast I thought it would burst. I felt amazing. "Wow!" I shouted. Mel and Ninja laughed. Ninja sucked a little water into the syringe and told me to open my mouth. I did and he squirted the water into my mouth. Tasted like bloody dope. He put the cap onto the syringe and stuffed it into my purse. "Keep that for later." He told me.

Unfortunately it was a school night and I had to go home. I drove them back to Mel's car and left. When I got home I dodged my family and hid in my dark room. I had no idea how to tweak by myself. I always talked to people. So I finished my 300 page book and then pulled out my journal. I was afraid that my mom would come in if the light was on, even though it was the middle of the night and all were asleep, so I used the light of my clock and wrote for hours. I had no idea what I was writing but I continued. At 7:30, my alarm went off and I put down my pen. I had written 53 pages, front and back. The words were sloppy and sloped down. I tucked my journal into my backpack and went to the bathroom to get ready for school. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I couldn't even see the green of my eyes. I got dressed and walked into the kitchen. I kept my eyes squinted and pretended to yawn while my mom put breakfast in front of me. When she disappeared into her room, I took one bite of food, felt sick, spit it out and fed it to my dog. One thing I really liked about dope was that it was an amazing appetite suppressant.

I got to school and examined my arm. I had a yellowish purple bruise and a small red dot where the needle entered. I never could understand my ways of thinking but I always felt that doing shocking things in a way signified who I was. I felt the same way scaring other students with my Satanic friends a year ago. When I got to class with Mel, we laughed about how sore our arms were and bragged to Sam. She was so jealous and made us promise to do it again with her on the weekend.

Hypnotize ya minds, like all the rest but I come through the veins

Inferno

It was December of 2006 when Scott decided to move back North to live with his 'adoptive parents'. They assured him that they could get him a job as a janitor at the high school they both worked at. He promised me that he would only work there long enough to make some money and then transfer back. I was so afraid to let him go because it didn't work out the last time.

A few days after Christmas, he left with his adoptive father. I felt like someone had shot me through the heart. I did something I was forbidden to do. I went out and bought my own pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I drove to a park that we use to spend time in and got out. It was very cold out but I found a log to sit on and started smoking. Just then I heard a familiar voice. It was Melissa. My heart lept. After the surge of fear, I remembered that Scott was miles away. She hugged me after I told her that Scott was gone. She sat with me and smoked. She told me Ninja had gone home for Christmas but would be back tomorrow. We sat together for hours. It felt good to have a friend again. Then the sun went down and it was time to go home. For the rest of the Christmas break, I moped around the house. I talked to Scott everyday. But things were getting worse than they had ever been. He screamed at me any time he heard me talking to my mom while I was on the phone with him. To him, she became another threat. Someone else to come between us. He was fiercely protective of me. He wanted me to be his and no one Else's. I was his possession.

Each night at 9:00 p.m. he called me. Most night we fought. This started my fear of phones. A rush of pure panic surged through me every time my phone rang. He wore me down mentally. He had me believing that I was crazy. I cried myself to sleep every single night.

When school started back up, it was worse. I spoke to no one in class. I feared that he had spies watching me again. I walked with my eyes down in the hallways. I never once made eye contact to anyone. During lunch period, I sat in my freezing car and listened on the phone while he berated me. Any time someone walked by my car, he heard and accused me of having someone in the car with me. After lunch I came to class with swollen eyes from crying.

The only person I ever confided in was my English teacher. He tried to build up my strength. He told me what a wonderful person I was. In class, he would massage my shoulders. People thought we were having an affair. He noticed all the red jagged cuts along my right wrist. He stopped me after class and just hugged me.

Scott never did get a job. He started spending most nights at a friends house. He would call me drunk. Some days he was friendly. Most days he was evil.

One Saturday in January, Scott had called to tell me he was going to spend the night with his friend and I would probably not hear from him for the rest of the night. I got a Dr. Pepper and sat down on my bedroom floor to start a book I had been wanting to read. I was on page 15 when my phone rang. I jumped, knocking my can over, spilling Dr. Pepper all over the floor and my book. After I calmed down a little, I looked at my phone. It wasn't Scott. It was Melissa. I swallowed my fear and answered it. "I know your life is pretty shitty right now. You need to come hang out with us", she said. She told me she would be at the book store and for me to meet her there soon. I was frozen in fear. I desperately wanted to go because I had not spoken to anyone but Scott and my family in so long. But I was afraid. What if he found out? Since it was Melissa, I could actually see him killing me. But I went.

I shook the whole way there. I shook while I walked around the store looking for her. Then I saw her. She was with Ninja. If Scott knew I was any where near him, he would kill us all. Mel had an arm full of books. Ninja gave me a very big hug, lifting me off my feet as he did. Mel told me they needed money and she wanted to sell all her books. I was surprised because she loved those books. But I didn't ask why. After she got her money, she asked Ninja how they were going to make more. He asked me if my mom might give us pizza money. We all piled into my car and I drove to my house. My mom was so happy to see me out with friends, she gave me $20. She told us to have fun.

On the way back, Ninja gave me new directions. We drove into an unrecognizable residential street. "Right here." Ninja told me and pointed to a small house. Junk littered the entire yard. A makeshift porch was built onto the front door made of plastic and tarp. It was dark by now so Ninja grabbed Mel and Mel grabbed my hand and we maneuvered our way to the front door. He knocked and we heard shuffling inside. "Who is it?" asked a gruff voice. After Ninja identified himself, the door opened. I walked into the filthiest kitchen I had ever seen. A short man with a few missing fingers stood inside and ushered us into the very dimly lit living room. The three of us sat down on the old couch and a very fat dachshund jumped into my lap. There was an older blond-haired man sitting in a wheelchair in the corner of the room carving a wooden box. "T this is my friend Lani. You know Mel." T politely said hello to me. Donny, the man who opened the door introduced himself to me as well. I said hello to them both very quietly. I had no idea what was going on but I had a feeling it was something bad. "How much you got?" T asked Ninja. "$30." Ninja replied. T picked up the phone and made a call. Mel and I began to make conversation while I pet the dog.

An hour in, the doorbell rang. Donny got up and let a large Mexican man in. He came in and sat next to Ninja. Mel and I were absorbed in our conversation when Ninja asked for my $20. I handed it to him and he handed it to the man. Then Ninja produced a weird glass pipe from his jacket pocket and poured something into it. Then it hit me. That was meth and I was about to do it. My heart lept as I debated with myself over whether or not I should be here. Despite all the weed and bad things I had done throughout my high school years, I knew that meth was the real thing. It was a very big deal. Then I realized that this was the first time in almost a year that I had been out with friends. I was so desperate to have a friend and I was so thankful to Mel and Ninja for not writing me off as soon as I stopped talking to them. I was thankful that they knew the truth about Scott, that it was him and not me who cut them out of my life. I was thankful that they thought I was worthy enough to save from my prison. I knew what I had to do. I watched as Ninja held a flame under the round part of the pipe. I watched as he slowly inhaled. I watched him exhale. Maybe this wouldn't be too hard. He passed the pipe to Mel. My thoughts blurred together. My heart pumped. Then she handed the pipe to me. "Let Ninja pull your hit! He does it so good!" she told me. I was more than happy to let him. He knelt down in front of me. "Wet your lips," he said, "Now when I say go, inhale slowly but keep going until your lungs are full. Then breathe out." I did what he said. I wet my lips and put them to the pipe. He flicked on the lighter and held the dancing flame under the bulb. I watched ghostly vapor rise and swirl. It was hypnotizing. "Go." Ninja said quietly. I slowly began to inhale. It didn't burn like weed. It was not heavy like cigarette smoke. It was a light airy vapor. I inhaled until my lungs hurt. Then I pulled away and rested my head against the couch. I looked up at the ceiling and slowly blew out. The white mist clouded my vision. Instantly the fear I'd had of Scott finding out melted away. It felt like when I was a kid laying in bed thinking about the next day being my birthday. I would suddenly feel this burst of energy. That's what I felt then. It one second, I went from an emotionally abused, weak and scared little girl to happy and confident. I had never felt this before. Mel clapped and Ninja hugged me. Then he passed the pipe to Donny. I got two more hits before we were completely out. We spent the next few hours sitting in the kitchen. This well of conversation had erupted in me. I told Mel and Ninja every detail of mine and Scott's relationship. They were shocked at the things he did to me. They understood me. They sympathised. Ninja told me that he would never let Scott hurt me and they would be sure to give me the life I had lost. I loved them.

We finally decided to go back to the book store to pick up Mel's car. Ninja stayed at T.'s house. On the way, I called my mom and asked if I could spend the night with Mel. She was ecstatic that I had a friend. She said yes. After we picked up Mel's car we went back. We sat in the living room again and for the first time in my life, I had the confidence to talk to strangers. I held a conversation with T. It turned out that when he was a child, he had polio, that's why he was in a wheelchair. In the hallway, we heard a noise. A very old lady came out holding a shot gun. "Granny, they are friends!" T. yelled. She disappeared. Then an old man wearing overalls came out. This was Grampa. He sat by me and told us the story of how when he was younger, he was jumped my a gang and stabbed in the heart. These were puzzling people, but I had never been happier.

By morning, Ninja said we should go. We got up and walked out in the daylight. We felt like vampires. The sun killed. Of course we were crashing hard. I felt like shit. I said goodbye to them and crawled into my car and went home. When I got home, I couldn't tell if I was hungry or not. I knew I needed food and felt that it would easy the crash so I drug a bag of potato chips to my room and curled up in bed. No one told me that the first time you do meth, everything tastes like meth.

The time has come, it is quite clear. Our Antichrist is almost here.

We spent the day together after school. When we got to Nicks house one day, my mom called my cell. She just wanted to say hello and see what my plans were for the day. Scott went through the roof. He was so mad that she called and ruined "our time". He said that when I went home, that was my time with my family. Now was time with him. He refused to speak to me for an hour. Then he told me I had to get my mother to understand that she wasn't to call unless it was an emergency. He got up and walked out the door. I followed.

He got in my car and turned the engine on. I had just enough time to hop in before the took off down the street. He wouldn't tell me where we were going. We ended up in front of Steven’s house. He told me to stay in the car while he went in. He was gone for a long time. I was too afraid to get out of the car and go up to the door because he told me not to. I called Steven’s  house from my phone. Scott answered. "I'll be out in a minute!" 15 minutes later he emerged from the house. When he got in he told me that I had to smoke this weed with him if I wanted him to be nice to me. He said it was the only thing that would but him in a good mood. He pulled out a pinch hitter and packed it. We arrived at a park near Nick's house. He took a big hit and passed it to me. I took a hit as well.

That became routine. We had sex, smoked a cigarette, something would piss him off and then he would force me to smoke weed. It happened almost every day. One day while Scott and I were watching a movie in his room, Juan called. I was panic stricken. Scott saw the name on my phone and answered it. He got into a screaming match with Juan. Then he handed the phone to me. He told me to tell Juan that I was happily in love with Scott and that I didn't want anything to do with a freak. When I got off the phone, Scott started screaming at me. He was mad all over again for what had happened so long ago. He pushed me against the wall, and my head hit hard. When he realized what he did, he punched the wall and ran outside. I followed him. It was raining. He said that he was going to kill himself for pushing me and that I needed to be with someone else. Someone who was a cheater like me. Danny’s house was nearby so he took off towards it. I followed him trying to get him back in the house. He stopped across the street from Danny’s house. The wind whipped his wet hair around. "DANNY!" he screamed over and over. I was afraid someone would hear. I fell to the ground and begged him to come back to Nick’s house. Finally, he turned and walked away. I followed. We went back to Nick’s. When we got there, he told me that he still had the noose on the roof of The Pod and that he was going to go kill himself. He told me that he was going to carve my name into his chest so when the cops found him, they would know it would be my fault. Before he could reach them, I took the keys from my car. I got in the drivers seat and told him that I couldn't handle him anymore. The window was rolled down and as soon as I started the car, Scott reached in to try to get me. I fought him off and then he grabbed a handful of my hair. He pulled me out through the window and started carrying me down the street. I kicked and screamed as loud as I could. A neighbor stepped out and said that she had called the cops. Scott told me to calm down. "We have to get out of here," he said. We walked back and got in my car. We drove away and he apologised over and over.

He was so hurt and angry with himself that my heart melted. I hugged him and told him everything would be okay.

That night when I got home, he called me. He had changed again. I spent an hour on the phone listening to him call me names. I could barely breathe. My eyes and throat were swollen from crying. He told me if I loved him then I should get him help. He said he couldn't afford psychiatry so I was going to have to live with him treating me this way. When I hung up, I told my mom that we both needed help. She made a list of free clinics that staffed therapists. I told her that I was afraid to be at home. I wanted to be locked away somewhere I would be safe from myself. She called The Pavillion, a mental health hospital. She made an appointment for me to check in and stay for a while. Before we went there, we stopped at Nick’s to give Scott the list of clinics. My mom handed him the list and he threw it on the ground. I told him I was leaving. That he had driven me to a point that I felt unsafe from myself. He begged me not to go. He said we would work on our problems together. I believed him, and I didn't go.

I have screamed until my veins collapsed

Scott was kicked out of the pod. Our friend Nick pitied him and invited him to stay at his house. 

I was over at Nicks house all the time now. Once, I walked in and I could see the darkness in Scott’s eyes. He threw a handful of thumbtacks at me and started yelling. He felt that I had become too close to Nick. Which was ridiculous, since Scott was always there. I hid my face, so Nick wouldn’t see me cry. I jumped up and ran to my car. I got in and started the engine. Scott climbed on top of the car and told me that if I drove, I would kill him. I couldn’t move.  

That evening at home, I wrote a poem about my relationship with Scott. I wanted to get it out somehow, and I planned to use it for my midterm English test. 

Scott knew I had to write a poem for the class, too. So I wrote a decoy. I gave it to Scott to read for approval. I had to run everything by him. With his approval, I told him that I would turn it in for class. 

I had given Melissa, of all people, the real poem to hold on to. I submitted the real poem later. My English teacher called my house to check on me. 

I envy your demise

One day after school, Scott was mad. He saw me wave at my old friend Jen. We fought for hours over a wave. 

We fought again the next day. And the next. 

Once after school I went to The Pod, where he was living, to see him. He came out and his eyes were huge. I asked him what was up and he told me that Justine picked him up the night before and got him to snort meth with her and her friends. I was so mad. But he was in a very good mood. It was such a relief to be with him when he was happy. He told me he wasn't going to do it again and that he did it for me. He wanted to be nice to me. He did drugs so it would put him in a good mood. I said nothing more about it. Especially since he told me that Justine and her boyfriend were moving out of town.

But the good mood didn’t last. His license expired so now he couldn't buy cigarettes. I told him he needed to quit smoking and he flew off the handle. He said it was the only thing he had left.

We fought for days again. I told a friend what was going on at school one day and she gave me a couple of cigarettes for him. He was raining when school let out. On the drive to The Pod, I lit one of the cigarettes. When I got there, I crushed the rest of the cigarette in his ashtray, took out the other and crushed it too. Scott lost it. He threw an empty vodka bottle at my head, and fell over the ashtray. He picked up what was left and tried to fix it. Then he smoked what he could. We screamed at each other until the land lord told us to leave or be quiet. Scott stormed outside in the rain. it was dark by now. He grabbed a rope and climbed up on the roof. He disappeared for a long time. I called his name. No answer. I tried to climb up too but I wasn't tall enough. Finally he appeared. He yelled down that he made a noose and was going to kill himself. His black trench coat was blowing in the wind. He let his hair down and it blew around messily. We were both soaking wet. I pleaded with him to come down. I told him I would get him some cigarettes. I would be 18 in a few days and would buy them for him.

I lived up to my promise. On my 18th birthday I went to the store with Scott and bought him some Camels. Things were better between us now. He even got me a rose for my birthday. I don't know how he did that and I didn't ask.

One day, as I waited for Scott to finish giving plasma, I saw someone stumbling down the alley. It was an old friend we had made back at Paul and Victoria’s house named Kermit. I went to him. He had a deep gash from his wrist to his elbow. He was crying that it stopped bleeding and he couldn’t die. I cleaned him up and brought him inside. Scott came back and Kermit explained to us that Ninja was back on drugs. The reason he left South Dakota was to get away from them. Not only that, but he had hooked him, Melissa, and our old friend Sam on meth. Scott lost his mind. 

And I am, whatever you say I am

Inferno

I drove Scott to Justine’s house  that night. He had no other place to go. Justine wasn’t there anymore. She had become an addict and was gone all of the time. 

The next day, Scott and Justine’s dad sat me down. They explained that Justine was cripplingly addicted to meth and that they were worried about her. They asked if I would be ok if they shared a room together. Her dad would rent a room at a music venue, mostly used for traveling bands. I protested, but her dad promised that their relationship would be platonic, and Scott told me that I could choose for him to either live in a park bathroom or a real place with a roof and a bed. My choice. 

They flirted a lot for just friends. I felt like such an idiot sitting there. But most of the time she was gone. And these were special times. Just the two of us. Against the world. And one day, Justine moved out. 

Scott bought a blunt from someone he barely knew and we smoked. I sat watching a pink laser show and later finding out that the blunt was laced with PCP. Oh. 

Everyday, I picked Scott up in the morning, and he would wait for me while I was in class. He wanted to be nearby, in case I slipped up and talked to someone. I didn’t dare. For all I knew, he still had spies. 

On the eastside, that's where I met my Ramona

Inferno

 Summer came and school was out. I received a call one day. “I’m back and I want to see you!” 

It was Scott. My face felt numb. He sounded happy. He sounded like the old Scott. I agreed to drop by Steven’s house, where he was staying, to say hi. 

When I pulled up, there was a maroon car parked out front. David was standing at the passenger window. I got out and walked to the car. Inside the car was Scott and Steven. In the back was someone I didn’t know. Scott got out of the car and gave me a bear hug. He introduced the new guy as his friend Ninja, who drove with him to Texas to start a new life. Ninja gave me a nod, but didn’t say anything. 

The guys started talking and ignored me. I walked back to my car. Scott came to tell me that he would be at Steven’s for a day or two, and that I should come by tomorrow. I promised that I would. 

I arrived at Steven’s house the next day. Scott picked me up and threw me on the bed. Steven, Ninja, and Adrian were there, too. Scott kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend again. 

Why do I always say yes?

I spent the rest of the summer hanging out with Scott and Ninja. They eventually met a couple who were looking for roommates. 

The four of them rented a small house. Scott and Ninja sold their plasma to pay for their share of the rent. The couple, Paul and Veronica, I later learned were running from the law. Paul was a white supremacist who was wanted for murder. He was covered in swastika tattoos. But around me, he was just a fun loving guy. It was strange. 

Scott invited our old friends to his new place. One of our mutual friends, Melissa, made several trips to the house. 

One night, as I pulled into the driveway, Paul met me outside. He told me to get Scott under control. Scott was raging. He found out that Ninja had secretly been dating Melissa. Apparently this was against the rules without checking with Scott first. He tried to fight Ninja. He tried to fight Paul. I drug him out of the house raving. That night, I lost all of my friends. 

He forced me to call all of them and “break up” with them all. I had to tell them to leave me alone and to never talk to me again. They must have known about Ninja and Melissa, and they kept it from him. He would make sure that I wouldn’t be poisoned by their deceit. 

Me and my axe will bring the devil to his knees

Kitty told me that I needed to stop moping around so much. So after school, I went to her house. Across the street from her house was a field of horses. We climbed the fence and fed them apples. I hadn’t been happy in a long time. But I laughed with her. She had broken up with Adrian, and we were resolved to stay single and just have fun. 

We commemorated our new found singleness by dying our hair matching purple. Kitty shaved hers into a Mohawk. 

We hung out constantly, listening to ICP and talking horror movies. I also discovered a handy trick for keeping my weight below 100; bulimia. Life was weird. But nice. 

One day after school, I was hanging out at the back with my friend Kyle. We were playing around with his new knife. A group of freshmen were whispering about us. We were the scary kids. I smiled at them and held out my arm while Kyle slit my wrist. I looked at it. Skin opened like flower petals. Flesh and blood billowed out. I yanked my sleeve down and turned to walk away. 

I was in the courtyard when things became hazy. I looked down and a trail of blood followed me. Then I saw black. I awoke to the sports medicine coach wrapping my arm and holding pressure to it to stop the bleeding. He picked me up and carried me to the office. My parents were called and I was whisked to the emergency room. Several stitches later, I was home and would remain that way until I started a program for suicidal youth. My suspension lasted 3 days. My therapist met with me at school, wearing her suicide t shirt and letting everyone know that I was officially crazy. 

I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do

He pleaded with me for forgiveness. Kitty sat on his bed with me. Adrian stretched out on the floor ready for the show. 

“It was just a stupid thing I did. She asked me to come see her. She was having a bad day. She kept feeding me alcohol. She pretty much forced me to. I was too drunk."

I didn’t know what to do. I was desperate for love. Real love. I didn’t know what this was, but it was all I had. As we were talking things out, Tiffany called him and he answered. 

I got up to walk out. He told Tiffany that he had told me everything. He hung up with her and fell to the floor begging for forgiveness. It was flattering. I forgave him. Again. Because I’m the worlds biggest idiot. 

On the way home, Tiffany called Kitty. She begged her to talk me into talking with her. We drove to Tiffany’s house. She explained to me that it was all Danny. He had told her that we were no longer dating. I wasn’t sure who to believe. But we decided to go back and confront Danny. 

He was in the shower when we arrived. His sister let us in and Tiffany and I sat on his bed waiting. When he walked in, he looked like he was about to be hit by a truck. 

“So what the fuck, Danny?” Kitty said. 

"I don't know. I like you both." He told us. Tiffany told him that he was going to have to choose one of us. I wondered what kind of spell he had over the both of us. He was silent for a moment. "Lani." He said. "I want to be with Lani. She's better for me. I love her." I was overjoyed but I didn't express it. I hugged Tiffany because I knew how she felt. "Fine." Tiffany said, and walked out. I hugged Danny and followed Tiffany out the door. 

I had just won best in show in my second dog contest. 

Three days passed. I woke up one morning with my mom standing over me. "I have to tell you something." She said. "Last night, at about 4 in the morning, I woke up to a tapping at my window. I could see a figure standing outside so I called the police. When the police came, they arrested the person outside. It was Danny. He stole his sister's car." Again I was heartbroken. He got the wrong window. He obviously had to tell me something important. I wonder what it could be?

Two days later, I found out. Tiffany called to see if we were still dating. When I confirmed this, she couldn’t believe it. He had told her, again that we had broken up, and they got together again. Later, I got an email from Danny. He explained that there were better guys out there for me. Oh? Where? 

Poisoned hearts will never change

I

I waited for 2 weeks for Danny to be released from juvie. When he got out, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I, of course, accepted. 

It’s what I do.

I was so excited to see him at school that Monday. His probation was stricter this time, and I didn’t see him much outside of school. 

I waited at lunchtime, but he never showed up. 

After school, I saw him staggering towards me. Kitty was keeping him from falling over. She explained that he had skipped school to go drinking. She picked him up on his way back. I was furious. Adrian sat with me while I tried not to cry. Danny walked up to me looking pathetically cute. I immediately forgave him and helped him to my car so I could drive him home. He spent the whole time slurring to me how amazing I was. 

After that life was ok. For a couple of weeks. 

Then one day at school, Danny was acting weird. He avoided me. Before our last period, he handed me a note. In it, he explained that he had slipped up. He “accidentally” snuck out of his house and “accidentally” went to his ex girlfriends. And then he “accidentally” kissed her. Well really, she kissed him. Just once. And then he made her stop. And would I please forgive him?

I felt gutshot. I ran to the back of the school after class. I met Adrian and Kitty and told them. They hugged me. Danny came out looking pitiful. He asked if I would forgive him. I wanted so badly to just feel loved. To feel important and worth someone’s time. I forgave him in hopes that it would get better. 

Danny, why did you always lie?

I was on my way home when I got a call from Kitty. She was at Adrian’s and they needed me to come over. Now. 

I turned around. 

When I got there, Kitty handed me a cigarette and they sat me down. They had just talked to Tiffany, Danny’s ex. It turned out they had sex, and it was definitely his idea. 

They fed me weed laced brownies and tried to cheer me up. Adrian called Danny and let me listen. He asked what really happened and Danny admitted to him what really did. I was high from the brownies and just told him “hi”. 

Then we went to his house. 

So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

My animal science class went on a 3 day field trip to the Dallas zoo. On the bus ride down, I sat with an old friend named Juan. I’d known Juan since elementary school, and had always had this burning question to ask him, but never felt that I should. Until that day on the bus; ‘what happened to your other arm?’

He had only one arm. He spent the next hour explaining what had happened, and opened up to some very emotional family struggles. I felt moved by his vulnerability, so I shared some of my own. I told him about Scott. About the hell that I was currently living. How he kept me on a leash, though he was states away. 

Later, that evening at the hotel, Scott called and in typical Scott fashion, he berated me for an hour because he had a bad day, and I was probably whoring on my field trip. 

This time, though, someone heard every word. Juan sat next to me with widened eyes. He clenched his fist and wanted to shield me from it. 

On the bus ride home, he touched my face and told me that I deserved better. He kissed me and I pulled away. 

Someone was watching. The spy followed me everywhere. 

When we got home, Scott called. More fighting. He finally had proof of my whoring. Someone kissed me on the bus. He broke up with me. 

I could breathe again. 

Some months passed, and I stayed single. I spent a lot of time with Adrian. I had introduced him to my friend Kitty, and they started dating. I was the third wheel, but they didn’t seem to mind. 

One day, Adrian called. Kitty was out of town, but he was hanging out with our friend Danny and they wanted to know if I wanted to hang out, too. I always thought Danny was cute. So I said yes. 

We three spent the day together and had the best time. The next day, Danny called. He was at Adrian’s house still, but wanted to see me. So I drove over and picked him up. We sat on my bed and talked. When I was mid sentence, he pulled me to him and gave me one of those only-in-the-movies kisses. Just as we pulled away, I saw flashing lights out my window. I looked out, and no less than 5 police cars were in my driveway. 

Danny told me to close the blinds. “What did you do?” I asked in disbelief. Sheriffs burst into my bedroom then and handcuffed him in front of me. 

He was a runaway, breaking his probation, and had weed in his pocket. 

My boyfriend track record was becoming laughable. 

Am I The Star Beneath The Stairs?

Inferno

David and I were really never meant to be. We broke up, but remained friends. 

Scott swooped in and asked me out for a third time. I said yes. 

Why did I always say yes?

Our relationship was going smoothly, until he made the noble decision to better himself. Instead of enroll at a local school, having dropped out some years before, he headed to South Dakota, where a family friend would take him in and get him into the school she worked at. 

Before he left, Scott had a fight with our friend Jen, who worried about both of us. We were drinking and smoking weed multiple times a day. Our entire group looked like hell. She somehow offended him and he asked me to not talk to her anymore. For him. I loved him. I could do that, right?

Oh, and if I could stop talking to all the guys in the group, that would be great. Except Steven. Steven could be trusted. 

I couldn’t blame him, I guess. I wanted to make him feel secure. So I dropped most of my friends. 

He also felt that I shouldn’t drink or get high anymore. Without him there to protect me. Chivalrous of him. I obeyed. 

And one more thing. He had a spy watching me. If I broke any of the rules, he would know. 

After Scott left, I wrote a note to Steven. Just a general friendly note. I drew a pentagram on the paper, as was our custom. That night I received a call from Scott. He was screaming. He called me a whore. A bitch. A cheating bitch. I felt blindsided. I had no idea what he was talking about. He screamed at me for 30 minutes. He had me reduced to gasping tears. Finally, he explained his suspicions. His spy saw me draw a heart on a note at school that day. 

The only note I had written was one to Steven and it had been the pentagram. I explained that. Scott’s demeanor quickly changed. He believed my story and he was back to normal. But he didn’t apologize. 

And I was terrified. The spy was real. And it watched me. 

The calls became more frequent. The violent calls even more so. 

Once I took a shower. When I got out, I had 24 missed calls. I knew I was in trouble. Again, the screaming. The name calling. I was terrified of him. But I was also under his spell. I can’t explain what that felt like. 

Months went by. I was emotionally beaten every day. One day, on a cold day, I was in my car during lunch. I wasn’t allowed to see anyone during that time. Because Scott called at that time. And that time was his. So I sat in the car while he screamed at me. And then screamed again to make me clean up my face. I couldn’t go back to school looking like I had cried. Because then everyone would “think” I had a mean boyfriend. So he wouldn’t let me go until I stopped whimpering. So I hung up and dried my eyes as best I could. I opened the car door and got out. I leaned against the car to steady myself. I was still eating very little. Restricting food was my own way to punish me, still. I turned and took a shaking step forward. And I saw him. Adam was hanging out at the back of the school with some other people. I couldn’t breathe. I’m sure I looked like complete shit. I scurried past, hoping he wouldn’t see me. But wishing to God he would. And save me from this hell I was living in. But why should he?