I have screamed until my veins collapsed

Scott was kicked out of the pod. Our friend Nick pitied him and invited him to stay at his house. 

I was over at Nicks house all the time now. Once, I walked in and I could see the darkness in Scott’s eyes. He threw a handful of thumbtacks at me and started yelling. He felt that I had become too close to Nick. Which was ridiculous, since Scott was always there. I hid my face, so Nick wouldn’t see me cry. I jumped up and ran to my car. I got in and started the engine. Scott climbed on top of the car and told me that if I drove, I would kill him. I couldn’t move.  

That evening at home, I wrote a poem about my relationship with Scott. I wanted to get it out somehow, and I planned to use it for my midterm English test. 

Scott knew I had to write a poem for the class, too. So I wrote a decoy. I gave it to Scott to read for approval. I had to run everything by him. With his approval, I told him that I would turn it in for class. 

I had given Melissa, of all people, the real poem to hold on to. I submitted the real poem later. My English teacher called my house to check on me. 

I envy your demise

One day after school, Scott was mad. He saw me wave at my old friend Jen. We fought for hours over a wave. 

We fought again the next day. And the next. 

Once after school I went to The Pod, where he was living, to see him. He came out and his eyes were huge. I asked him what was up and he told me that Justine picked him up the night before and got him to snort meth with her and her friends. I was so mad. But he was in a very good mood. It was such a relief to be with him when he was happy. He told me he wasn't going to do it again and that he did it for me. He wanted to be nice to me. He did drugs so it would put him in a good mood. I said nothing more about it. Especially since he told me that Justine and her boyfriend were moving out of town.

But the good mood didn’t last. His license expired so now he couldn't buy cigarettes. I told him he needed to quit smoking and he flew off the handle. He said it was the only thing he had left.

We fought for days again. I told a friend what was going on at school one day and she gave me a couple of cigarettes for him. He was raining when school let out. On the drive to The Pod, I lit one of the cigarettes. When I got there, I crushed the rest of the cigarette in his ashtray, took out the other and crushed it too. Scott lost it. He threw an empty vodka bottle at my head, and fell over the ashtray. He picked up what was left and tried to fix it. Then he smoked what he could. We screamed at each other until the land lord told us to leave or be quiet. Scott stormed outside in the rain. it was dark by now. He grabbed a rope and climbed up on the roof. He disappeared for a long time. I called his name. No answer. I tried to climb up too but I wasn't tall enough. Finally he appeared. He yelled down that he made a noose and was going to kill himself. His black trench coat was blowing in the wind. He let his hair down and it blew around messily. We were both soaking wet. I pleaded with him to come down. I told him I would get him some cigarettes. I would be 18 in a few days and would buy them for him.

I lived up to my promise. On my 18th birthday I went to the store with Scott and bought him some Camels. Things were better between us now. He even got me a rose for my birthday. I don't know how he did that and I didn't ask.

One day, as I waited for Scott to finish giving plasma, I saw someone stumbling down the alley. It was an old friend we had made back at Paul and Victoria’s house named Kermit. I went to him. He had a deep gash from his wrist to his elbow. He was crying that it stopped bleeding and he couldn’t die. I cleaned him up and brought him inside. Scott came back and Kermit explained to us that Ninja was back on drugs. The reason he left South Dakota was to get away from them. Not only that, but he had hooked him, Melissa, and our old friend Sam on meth. Scott lost his mind. 

And I am, whatever you say I am

Inferno

I drove Scott to Justine’s house  that night. He had no other place to go. Justine wasn’t there anymore. She had become an addict and was gone all of the time. 

The next day, Scott and Justine’s dad sat me down. They explained that Justine was cripplingly addicted to meth and that they were worried about her. They asked if I would be ok if they shared a room together. Her dad would rent a room at a music venue, mostly used for traveling bands. I protested, but her dad promised that their relationship would be platonic, and Scott told me that I could choose for him to either live in a park bathroom or a real place with a roof and a bed. My choice. 

They flirted a lot for just friends. I felt like such an idiot sitting there. But most of the time she was gone. And these were special times. Just the two of us. Against the world. And one day, Justine moved out. 

Scott bought a blunt from someone he barely knew and we smoked. I sat watching a pink laser show and later finding out that the blunt was laced with PCP. Oh. 

Everyday, I picked Scott up in the morning, and he would wait for me while I was in class. He wanted to be nearby, in case I slipped up and talked to someone. I didn’t dare. For all I knew, he still had spies. 

On the eastside, that's where I met my Ramona

Inferno

 Summer came and school was out. I received a call one day. “I’m back and I want to see you!” 

It was Scott. My face felt numb. He sounded happy. He sounded like the old Scott. I agreed to drop by Steven’s house, where he was staying, to say hi. 

When I pulled up, there was a maroon car parked out front. David was standing at the passenger window. I got out and walked to the car. Inside the car was Scott and Steven. In the back was someone I didn’t know. Scott got out of the car and gave me a bear hug. He introduced the new guy as his friend Ninja, who drove with him to Texas to start a new life. Ninja gave me a nod, but didn’t say anything. 

The guys started talking and ignored me. I walked back to my car. Scott came to tell me that he would be at Steven’s for a day or two, and that I should come by tomorrow. I promised that I would. 

I arrived at Steven’s house the next day. Scott picked me up and threw me on the bed. Steven, Ninja, and Adrian were there, too. Scott kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend again. 

Why do I always say yes?

I spent the rest of the summer hanging out with Scott and Ninja. They eventually met a couple who were looking for roommates. 

The four of them rented a small house. Scott and Ninja sold their plasma to pay for their share of the rent. The couple, Paul and Veronica, I later learned were running from the law. Paul was a white supremacist who was wanted for murder. He was covered in swastika tattoos. But around me, he was just a fun loving guy. It was strange. 

Scott invited our old friends to his new place. One of our mutual friends, Melissa, made several trips to the house. 

One night, as I pulled into the driveway, Paul met me outside. He told me to get Scott under control. Scott was raging. He found out that Ninja had secretly been dating Melissa. Apparently this was against the rules without checking with Scott first. He tried to fight Ninja. He tried to fight Paul. I drug him out of the house raving. That night, I lost all of my friends. 

He forced me to call all of them and “break up” with them all. I had to tell them to leave me alone and to never talk to me again. They must have known about Ninja and Melissa, and they kept it from him. He would make sure that I wouldn’t be poisoned by their deceit. 

Me and my axe will bring the devil to his knees

Kitty told me that I needed to stop moping around so much. So after school, I went to her house. Across the street from her house was a field of horses. We climbed the fence and fed them apples. I hadn’t been happy in a long time. But I laughed with her. She had broken up with Adrian, and we were resolved to stay single and just have fun. 

We commemorated our new found singleness by dying our hair matching purple. Kitty shaved hers into a Mohawk. 

We hung out constantly, listening to ICP and talking horror movies. I also discovered a handy trick for keeping my weight below 100; bulimia. Life was weird. But nice. 

One day after school, I was hanging out at the back with my friend Kyle. We were playing around with his new knife. A group of freshmen were whispering about us. We were the scary kids. I smiled at them and held out my arm while Kyle slit my wrist. I looked at it. Skin opened like flower petals. Flesh and blood billowed out. I yanked my sleeve down and turned to walk away. 

I was in the courtyard when things became hazy. I looked down and a trail of blood followed me. Then I saw black. I awoke to the sports medicine coach wrapping my arm and holding pressure to it to stop the bleeding. He picked me up and carried me to the office. My parents were called and I was whisked to the emergency room. Several stitches later, I was home and would remain that way until I started a program for suicidal youth. My suspension lasted 3 days. My therapist met with me at school, wearing her suicide t shirt and letting everyone know that I was officially crazy. 

I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do

He pleaded with me for forgiveness. Kitty sat on his bed with me. Adrian stretched out on the floor ready for the show. 

“It was just a stupid thing I did. She asked me to come see her. She was having a bad day. She kept feeding me alcohol. She pretty much forced me to. I was too drunk."

I didn’t know what to do. I was desperate for love. Real love. I didn’t know what this was, but it was all I had. As we were talking things out, Tiffany called him and he answered. 

I got up to walk out. He told Tiffany that he had told me everything. He hung up with her and fell to the floor begging for forgiveness. It was flattering. I forgave him. Again. Because I’m the worlds biggest idiot. 

On the way home, Tiffany called Kitty. She begged her to talk me into talking with her. We drove to Tiffany’s house. She explained to me that it was all Danny. He had told her that we were no longer dating. I wasn’t sure who to believe. But we decided to go back and confront Danny. 

He was in the shower when we arrived. His sister let us in and Tiffany and I sat on his bed waiting. When he walked in, he looked like he was about to be hit by a truck. 

“So what the fuck, Danny?” Kitty said. 

"I don't know. I like you both." He told us. Tiffany told him that he was going to have to choose one of us. I wondered what kind of spell he had over the both of us. He was silent for a moment. "Lani." He said. "I want to be with Lani. She's better for me. I love her." I was overjoyed but I didn't express it. I hugged Tiffany because I knew how she felt. "Fine." Tiffany said, and walked out. I hugged Danny and followed Tiffany out the door. 

I had just won best in show in my second dog contest. 

Three days passed. I woke up one morning with my mom standing over me. "I have to tell you something." She said. "Last night, at about 4 in the morning, I woke up to a tapping at my window. I could see a figure standing outside so I called the police. When the police came, they arrested the person outside. It was Danny. He stole his sister's car." Again I was heartbroken. He got the wrong window. He obviously had to tell me something important. I wonder what it could be?

Two days later, I found out. Tiffany called to see if we were still dating. When I confirmed this, she couldn’t believe it. He had told her, again that we had broken up, and they got together again. Later, I got an email from Danny. He explained that there were better guys out there for me. Oh? Where? 

Poisoned hearts will never change

I

I waited for 2 weeks for Danny to be released from juvie. When he got out, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I, of course, accepted. 

It’s what I do.

I was so excited to see him at school that Monday. His probation was stricter this time, and I didn’t see him much outside of school. 

I waited at lunchtime, but he never showed up. 

After school, I saw him staggering towards me. Kitty was keeping him from falling over. She explained that he had skipped school to go drinking. She picked him up on his way back. I was furious. Adrian sat with me while I tried not to cry. Danny walked up to me looking pathetically cute. I immediately forgave him and helped him to my car so I could drive him home. He spent the whole time slurring to me how amazing I was. 

After that life was ok. For a couple of weeks. 

Then one day at school, Danny was acting weird. He avoided me. Before our last period, he handed me a note. In it, he explained that he had slipped up. He “accidentally” snuck out of his house and “accidentally” went to his ex girlfriends. And then he “accidentally” kissed her. Well really, she kissed him. Just once. And then he made her stop. And would I please forgive him?

I felt gutshot. I ran to the back of the school after class. I met Adrian and Kitty and told them. They hugged me. Danny came out looking pitiful. He asked if I would forgive him. I wanted so badly to just feel loved. To feel important and worth someone’s time. I forgave him in hopes that it would get better. 

Danny, why did you always lie?

I was on my way home when I got a call from Kitty. She was at Adrian’s and they needed me to come over. Now. 

I turned around. 

When I got there, Kitty handed me a cigarette and they sat me down. They had just talked to Tiffany, Danny’s ex. It turned out they had sex, and it was definitely his idea. 

They fed me weed laced brownies and tried to cheer me up. Adrian called Danny and let me listen. He asked what really happened and Danny admitted to him what really did. I was high from the brownies and just told him “hi”. 

Then we went to his house.