One for the treble, two for the bass...

Purgatorio
It was raining out one night and I worried about Ninja out in the tree. He called his mother and asked her to send him some money. In the mean time, I borrowed $100 from my mom so he could rent a room in a motel. I would have used my own money but my bank account had been drained from all the drugs I had been buying. I promised her that as soon and his mom sent the check, I would pay her back. We drove to a Days Inn and I went in to get a room since Ninja didn't have a license. I told him to rest up because we would have to find somewhere else for him if the rain didn't stop by tomorrow.

The next morning before work, I stopped by the motel to check on Ninja. I walked in and there were several friends of ours sitting around tweaking. I was so angry with Ninja for using the rest of the money on drugs instead of saving it for tonight. but he made me feel better when he showed me he had saved some dope for me. I took several large hits from the pipe and took off for work. I was tweaking hard so I spent the entire day at work buffing my fingernails almost completely off with the nail buffer I kept in my purse. My nails needed to be clipped and I discovered that all the drugs I've been on had made my nails very brittle so I could easily peel off as much as I wanted. I also found out that my hair was brittle too. I took several strands and broke them in half. It was a little alarming.
After work, Ninja and I went to Brett’s house. His mother told Ninja he could stay over for one night. I called my mom and said I was staying the night with a friend so I could stay there too. Brett’s mom had some new dope that we smoked that night.

The next morning, Ninja and I visited Mom and Adrian before I had to go to work. Mom took me by the arm and lead me into her bedroom. She handed me a box and told me that inside was her pipe and the best dope she had ever tried. She told me to try a little in the bathroom. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and opened the box. I pulled my pipe out instead so I could save some. I poured a little of the dope in and stood in front of the mirror as I took a big hit. All of a sudden, everything turned black and my head started to feel tingly. As soon as my vision cleared, I was on the biggest high of my life. I didn't know what kind of meth this was, but it was amazing. I melted a little more down, let it dry in my pipe and stored it in my purse. I came out of the bathroom and told Ninja I had to get to work. He had nowhere to go so he was going to stay in my car while I worked. When I drove into the parking lot, I handed my pipe to Ninja and told him there was amazing shit inside. Then I got out and went to work.

A few days passed and finally I got the check from Ninja's mom for $200. I cashed it, gave $100 to my mom and I called my own dealer and bought $100 worth of drugs with the rest. I arrived at Baker's house where Ninja had stayed the night and handed the baggie to him. Callie asked if I could take her on a deal so I did. When we got back, Ninja had taken the drugs and broken down half in one syringe and half in another. I was livid because I had planned on smoking it. Something was making me terrified of shooting up again. I didn't know what it was, call it intuition. Ninja shot his up and went outside. I sat on Baker’s bed and worried. I held the syringe that had 3 times as much dope in it than I had ever shot up before. Baker asked if I wanted him to administer in for me. I told him no. He asked if I wanted him to pour it out and dry what he could. I knew it would lose its potency so I told him no. He knelt down in front of me and ran his fingers through my hair. He told me not to do it if I didn't want to. He reached his head up and I knew he was coming in for a kiss so I lowered my head so he would kiss my forehead instead. As much as I loved him, as a friend, I just couldn't kiss a 51 year old man. Even though I was beginning to like him better that Ninja. He was tired so I got off of his bed and told him to go to sleep. I went in the living room and sat down. Ninja came in and told me if I felt that strongly about it, then I shouldn't do it. But that was my drugs. I wasn't about to let him or anyone else have it. We sat for 3 hours in silence. I started to feel sick again, I always did when I didn't have drugs in my system, so I finally agreed to do it, but I wanted him to do it for me. I went into the bathroom. I had never been in there before and was a little astonished to see a dozen small dolls lining the bathtub. They were wet and I wondered if Baker bathed with them. I put the lid down on the toilet and sat down. Ninja knelt in front of me and put on the tourniquet. I tightened it and found a vein for him. I looked away as he slipped the needle into my arm. I suddenly felt sicker. My vision was gone again and all I saw was black. I lost my balance and fell off the toilet, hitting my head on the bathtub before falling to the floor. I don't know what dying feels like, but I knew I was pretty close. I started shaking uncontrollably and I felt consciousness pulling away from me. I don't know how to describe it other than it was a physical pulling sensation and I wrestled with it. I felt my mind slipping away so I tried desperately to concentrate on something. I started shaking my foot and blocked out the sound of Ninja screaming at me while I concentrated on the sound of Baker snoring. I felt a warm sensation on my face and knew it was Ninja slapping me. It couldn't have been longer than 5 minutes but it felt like hours. I finally felt another warm sensation in my arm and suddenly my vision started to clear. I started feeling better. The dizziness and pulling was gone and Ninja helped me sit up. He had injected clean water into my vein in an attempt to “clean” them. When I was fully conscious I felt better than ever. I had bad cotton mouth so we went to the store for a coke. I was floating.

I arrived home at 9:45 pm. Usually being as high as I was, I would have been awake for over 24 hours but I was suddenly so tired. I laid down on the couch and passed out instantly. I didn't wake up again until 5:30 pm the next evening. I was late for work! I jumped up and got ready as fast as I could. I felt horrible. My head was pounding and I couldn't walk straight. I had a hangover from Hell. When I got to work, they told me that being late was the last straw. I had called in from work 11 times since I'd been there and their policy was 10 days. They told me not to come back. I was a little relieved because I hated that job and no longer had the mental capacity to work with money. I went over to Baker's house instead to see him and Ninja. They were inside on the phone with a dealer so I sent out on the porch and started writing a poem in my journal. I thought back to what made me get into drugs in the first place. I hated Scott more for making me escape from him with meth. Drugs were no longer fun. My two friends, Mel and Sam were no longer around. They had their own drug circles. Ninja was the only person close to my age that I associated with. I started writing.

Falling

In my dreams
I cry out a name
Undercover
Unconsciousness
Fear of loss
Found lurking
In shadows
I dreamed him
Gone
Silhouetted against
The past

Iron gates scaled for
Freedom fists and
Bats raised in tyranny
The fatherland engulfs
His mother’s name

Echoing in my head…

Tired eyes search
Huddled masses of
Hope and despair
Contradictions collide
Cling to who I can
The smell of decay
Ripe in the air
Separation sharp
In my throat

Dry lips cannot refuse
The sustenance of salt
Taken from bruised hands
A spirit returned
Bent but not broken…

Years later
Hated again
The search for freedom
Taking different forms

Scar tissue still
Sensitive
Fear lingers like a first love
Freedom a limited resource
Fear always in abundance
Resolved in delicate snowflakes
Encased in glass pipes.

Poets profess
American in our ignorance
Savor the foreign delicacy
The exotic metaphor
The hollow call

More willing to spill ink
More
Abrading embrace
Then distance taught
My heart
To cherish self again-
Distance-
And the crucible of a heart
Hollowed so thin that
Screaming had seeped
In and taken refuge
I welled up with the source
Of that sound, rushed up
Curling up
And I screamed
-As I never had before,
And the rush of blood
Bruising, forfeited freedoms
And stolen styles - stolen smiles
Seething to a flashflood;
Spun on my axis - long
And stiff - the sex object
My brain - and I get fucked from my self.
Myself as human.

Where in ebbed;
Leaving the residue
Of my soul

Deep in reality,
I am alone.
I no longer recognize
Me.



Callie arrived and saw me outside. I told her what had happened the day before and how I was feeling. she told me I was too young to lose myself further and that maybe I should get help. I told her I didn't want to. Then she proposed a new job for me. Since I was no longer making money for drugs and gas, she would supply gas money if I became her business partner. The few times I went with her while she was making drug deals, she had received some positive "feedback" from her boyfriend. He said that his 'clients' felt safe and like everything was on the level with two women selling to them. She asked if we could use my car and become a dealer with her. In return, her boyfriend would pay car expenses and give us free drugs. I agreed.

A week went by with my new job and Ninja was not happy. I was so busy working that I had neglected him. I picked him up and we started driving to Brett’s house so I could drop off some drugs for him. We began fighting in the car. After the deal, we were on our way back to Baker’s house when Ninja told me that I was a drug addict. I knew it but I was angry that he of all people was judging me. I started yelling at him and he grabbed my pipe from my purse, opened the car door and smashed it on in the street while I was stopped at a red light. I lost it. When the light turned green I hit the gas and planned to slam into whatever was in front of me. Ninja screamed at me to stop. Instead I turned onto the street that lead to Baker's house. I hit the gas again and Ninja grabbed the steering wheel. I stopped and pushed the horn. It was late at night and Ninja was scared the cops would be called so he reached for me and grabbed me by the throat. I started to scream for him to get out. He opened the car door and before he could step all the way out, I took off. We weren't far from Baker’s house so when I stopped in front of it, got out and started throwing all of Ninja's belongings into the street. Ninja caught up with me and tried to grab me. Instead I ran around to the other side and found his box he kept his paraphernalia in. I found a full syringe that he had planned to use and before he could catch me, I pulled the stopper out and spilled the drugs all over the ground. He chased me around the car and I ran to the front door and started banging on it. No one answered so I called Baker on his cell. He wasn't home but said he was close by and asked what was wrong. I was hysterical and tried to explain that Ninja was trying to kill me. Baker said he would be right there and hung up. Soon, his truck flew into the driveway and he jumped out. He ran to me and kept me behind him as he threatened Ninja and told him to get off of his property. The two of us went inside. It was there that I noticed Baker had blue eyeshadow and mascara on. I smiled to myself as I tried to explain what had happened. I cried over my broken pipe and Baker promised to buy me a new one. We sat for a few hours and then Ninja showed up at the door. He apologized for what had happened. I knew he was going through withdrawal, that's why he was so scary. I was going through the same thing. Baker had some drugs so he got it out so we could all feel better.

That night, a friend of Baker’s came over with something wrapped in tin foil. He handed us a straw and held a flame under the foil. We all inhaled the smoke that started floating out of the crevices. I started feeling weird. I had never done heroin before.