This is not how I am, I have become comfortably numb

Purgatorio

It was my graduation day. The dress I had bought just a few days before was now too big. I got in the car and drove there by myself. When I arrived, I found Sam in the frenzy of nervous graduates. We stood and waited for instructions. Mel, unfortunately, was not going to be graduating with us. She would have to make up a class she failed and graduate later in the summer. While we waited, David approached me, gave me a hug and asked if I could score him some acid.

After graduation, Ninja, Daniel and Adrian joined me at my house and we had a cook out with some of my family. Ninja and I stole away several times to kiss. Afterwards, we dropped Daniel off at the apartment and took Adrian home. Mom welcomed me in and said she had some graduation gifts for me. First was a beautiful cameo pendant on a pale pink ribbon. The other was a bag of dope and a pipe. We smiled and ran to her room to 'try it on'.

I got a call when I was at home one evening. It was Mel warning me that she heard that Scott was back in town. I stood frozen. Fear crept over me. I couldn't breathe. I went to see Ninja. He told me to forget about him. He was on a mission to get back at the guys who gave him crack instead of X and asked me to come along. He got the the guys address from a new guy he'd met named Jackson. We got in my car and drove to the house. Daniel came along too. Ninja kicked the door in and confronted a guy we didn't know. The guy told us that the man we were looking for was in jail. Ninja stole a bunch of things that belong to this man and we left.

Later, Ninja suggested that we go hang out with Jackson. He told me that Jackson had something to do and that he needed a car. I agreed. That night someone dropped Jackson off at the apartment and left. He was a tall, clean cut guy. We all got in the car with Ninja driving and Jackson directed us where to go. He told us that he was a manufacturer and he had to collect on some debts. We got to one house and Jackson went to the door. No one was home so he rummaged through the mailbox and stole a credit card. Later, we went to another house outside of town. "These people may put up a fight. Ninja, are you down?" Ninja said he was. "I'll need a get away driver. How about you?" he asked me and winked.

We drove to the back of the house and I slid into the drivers side while Ninja and Jackson got out. Jackson pulled a gun out of his pants and handed a bat to Ninja. They told me to turn the headlights off and to keep the motor running. I sat in the dark for what seemed hours. Finally, as if nothing had happened, they returned and calmly told me to drive. We passed a gas station and Jackson told me to pull in. He bought me a full tank of gas with the stolen card.

The next morning I got another call. Mel told me not to worry about Scott. Apparently Gary, who had been our friend at Sam's infamous birthday party, had somehow acquired Scott’s old I.D. and was just arrested for shooting a police officer. Gary was high on meth at the time. He got a life sentence.

The next day, Ninja was frustrated because he couldn't get a hold of any of his dealers. "Do you remember Baker? I think I remember where he lives. We could try him." Baker was a very eccentric man in his early 50's. The night I first met him, he was at the apartment with Ninja doing coke lines while I was still dating Daniel. He was seated at the table in the back room wearing denim overalls, a tuxedo jacket and a black top hat. He had brown disheveled hair and was with a woman about 10 years younger than him. Her name was Callie. She really looked too nice to be around any of us, with a nice hair do and a pretty cream colored sweater. We hopped in my car and went to find Baker's house. After a few wrong turns, we finally found it. It was a very small house. There was a makeshift deck built out of spare, rotting boards, and the porch was barely visible due to the amount of junk piled on. Baskets, bike parts, half a piano, bags of garbage, clown heads, wind chimes and clay pots were piled up everywhere. After we maneuvered to the door, Ninja knocked and we heard crashing inside. Finally Baker opened the door, looked at us for a while and let us in. The house was in worse shape than the porch. The back wall wasn't visible at all. All kinds of furniture was piled all the way to the ceiling among other junk. Baker uncovered a couch and asked us to sit down. "I apologise for the mess. But these are my treasures." he told us. He sat in a rocking chair with a large rainbow flag tied to the back. Ninja began asking him if we new where to score some dope. While he was talking, Baker rolled a joint and offered it to me. Then he fished a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. While he talked, I looked around the room. I could see a small hallway behind Baker that lead into a very tiny kitchen. There was a small nook on the other side where a twin bed dressed in zebra print covers and various decorative pillows sat. The walls that I could see had small concert posters everywhere. The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones. I studied George's surroundings and made mental notes. I'd learned quickly that you have to get drug dealers to like you, because being on their bad side could be deadly. I never underestimated anyone in the drug game. "I hear you know Jackson. If you pick him up and bring him here, he'll sell to you." Baker told us. He gave us an address and told us he would see us soon.

Ninja and I set off. We arrived at a trailer park. When we knocked on the door, I was shocked to see an old friend from middle school named Brett. We picked up Jackson and left. 

When we got back, Callie was there. We made the money transaction with Jackson and we all got busy smoking. During our compulsive tweaker talk, Callie and I bonded. I learned that she was 40 and had a son a year older than me.

The next night I told my mom I was going to be at Mel's house and went to spend the night with Ninja. We had no drugs so Ninja fell asleep early. Having insomnia I sat around and tried to scrape my pipe. All the residue I scraped off I tried to smoke. Then I went out to see what Daniel was doing. I could tell he was in a bad mood. "I just want to know something. Are you dating Ninja?" he asked me. I told him I was and he went crazy. He told me never to come back. I yelled back that I didn't want to be around a guy who rapes his own sister anyway and I stormed out. I heard yelling inside and Ninja emerged with all his things. "I punched him,' he said. 'no one will talk to my girl like that." I smiled as we got in the car. I had a WalMart gift card for graduation so I bought some gas and drinks. We drove to the park and walked out by the water. We made fun of Danny until we finally drifted off to sleep. We woke up when the sun was coming up and realized we were covered in ants. After brushing off and running to the car, we drove to a convenience store. I got out all the change I had and counted it on the dashboard. I had just enough for one pack of cigarettes. When I went in to get them, I noticed a girl I'd gone to elementary school with was working there. She recognised me and started talking. I must have looked pretty bad because she told me not to worry, she was going through some crap too. She was pregnant and single. I told her I was a drug addict and slept in a park that night. She told me I won and to have a nice day. I smiled and left.

We headed to Baker’s house. He had a weird tent in his front yard consisting of an overgrown tree and some tarps. There were bunk beds inside and Baker told Ninja he could stay there. We sat around and smoked some more. I had called in again. Work was really getting in the way of my drug taking. The next day I knew I had to go to work so I smoked a lot before going. I had to close that night so I had to be sure I could stay awake.

At work, I stood and watched the customers pass by. Having a jewelry counter in this store was a joke. I calculated that I had been awake for nearly 3 days straight. I'd had a few mini naps in between. I saw something moving in the corner of my eye. I turned to see vapor swirling inside the glass jewelry cases that surrounded me. It looked like meth vapor in a pipe. I got on my knees to see if I was really seeing this. I did. I started freaking out and jammed the key into the lock to get inside. I had forgotten to step on the security button connected to the diamond case and a shrill alarm went off as I stuck my head in the case to breathe in the drugs. I opened my eyes to see that there was no vapor inside. I was very confused. I could have sworn I saw it. I stood up and saw people staring in my direction. I shut the alarm off and went and hid behind the cash register. Had I just hallucinated? I was tweaking pretty hard and spent the rest of the evening scraping a sticker off the diamond safe. At 9:00 it was time to cash out and close my station down. I tried to remember what I did almost 4 nights a week. I couldnt. I opened the cash register. I took out all the bills. I got out my slip I had to write the amount in bills, checks, etc. on and realized that I had forgotten how to count. I stood there for 10 minutes staring at the money. All the lights were turning off and I still stood there panicking. I wrote down fake numbers and ran to the office to turn everything in. As I walked to my car I wondered what was wrong with me.