Freak On A Leash

I could feel the water rising higher and higher as I walked down the stairs.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

I knew it thought I had drowned.

But I know me and I'm stronger than that.

I could feel my heart beating as I held my breath.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

Knew that's what it wanted.

For me to drown.

I smiled because I knew I was too strong for that.

I could feel my insides burning.

Needing air.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

It thought it had me just where it wanted me.

I laughed to myself.

Light-headed but confident.

We both smiled now.

Confident.

But a little confused as to why we shared the same look of satisfaction on our faces.

I looked at it in the eye as hard as I could.

It knew how scared I was.

That's all I can remember.

I guess it's given up because I'm floating now.

And the burning sensation is gone.

I have over come.

-2006

I know when it started. The first time I’m pretty sure I fell in love. But of course, I was 14, and who really knows what love is when you’re 14. Maybe it’s feelings so much bigger than you’ve ever experienced before. A tightness in your chest and in your throat. Kind of like suffocating. But way better. Sometimes. 

I didn’t really know him. So that makes me wonder why my life was jarred as sharply as it was. 

I knew who he was, but we’d never spoken. He was just another face in the hallway of our middle school. My best friend Chelsea had a crush on his friend, though. It was her idea to have the party. So she could invite her crush. She wanted it at my house though. Something about a guy you like, in your house, with your parents watching. Yeah. 

So we planned for it to be at my house. A boy/girl Christmas party. How grown up. 

I was getting ready for the party that afternoon when he called. Adam asked if he could also come to the party, since Larry would be there. Sure? I guess so. I was one of those too nice girls who couldn’t say no. And really, I didn’t care. One more boy at my party. How cool was I? 

Everyone arrived. My other best friend, Romnie, was nervous because her crush, Tony, was also there. She had just moved out of her childhood home, too, and was feeling a little lost. So she planned to stay the night that night after the party. 

We listened to music and did whatever little teenagers do. Then someone suggested we play spin the bottle. How quaint and terrifying all at the same time. 

I don’t even remember most of that game. I was too busy trying to not look like I was panicking. I’d kissed guys. But kissing was still kind of new and risqué. I also don’t remember who spun the bottle. Was it me, or Adam? Either way, one of us landed on the other and we kissed. Just a brief kiss. But I was pretty sure I loved him after that.  He asked me out before he went home, so I guess I was ok, too. 

That night, Romnie and I stayed up all night playing Tony Hawk on PlayStation and talking about how cute Adam and Tony were. 

I had no idea how to have a boyfriend. He wasn’t my first, but I hadn’t quite figured it out with the others, either. He called me every night and we make small talk while I beat myself up silently for not being a sparkling conversationalist. Chelsea started dating Larry, and the 4 of us sat in the cafeteria together and stood outside for our allotted airing out between classes. 

I’m the oldest. So my mother was just learning how to navigate the increasingly rougher waters of raising a teenager. She tried the strict approach first. She talked with her school connections and determined that Adam was no good for me. She told me to end the relationship. So I did. And I guess that’s when the water really started roaring. 

I’m pretty sure every teenager will feel a rebellious streak at some point. Some ruffle their parents hair a little, and some take it a bit further. I chose the latter. 

Having been pretty sure that I just lost the love of my life, and and 14, he was, I also lost my grip on reality. I spent obscene amounts of time locked in my room crying and writing sad poetry. I discovered that when I scratched at my skin with a safety pin, my pain was transferred for a brief moment. I started listening to rock music, because it drove my mom crazy. And the day that I learned that Adam had a new girlfriend, I climbed the tree in my backyard with my dogs leash around my neck. 

Stopped from ending this new and unexplainable pain that I was in, my mom rushed me to psychiatry, where I was fed pills to dull the jagged edges of my internal wounds, but stoked my anger. 

I started dating a guy named Josh. My mom liked him. I didn’t. But it kept her quiet. She thought that with Josh in the picture, I would stop thinking about Adam. I didn’t. I had planned to win him back in high school. 

I went to two separate schools. A place for advanced math and science, and then a regular school. When I walked into my high school around noon that first day, I saw him immediately. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. But I tried to play it cool. Somewhat disinterested. Did it work, Adam?

We became friends that year. I looked forward to our lunch period every day, just to be around him. Every day I wanted to grab him and tell him that I never meant to break up with him. That it was a stupid mistake and I hated myself for it. But I never did. 

Eventually I did gather up the courage to ask him out. He said no and my world was basically over. I didn’t care anymore. My heart was useless if I couldn’t give it to him. I cared so little about myself and what happened to me, that I decided to systematically ruin myself over the next few years. I got pretty close, too. Why? Fuck it.