We are the Nobodies

Infe

rno Every day after school, Janet would fill two thermoses full of vodka and grab a pack of cigarettes. We would drink and drive until we got a call from Steven to come over. Then we would smoke weed until it was time to go home. That was the routine. 

David and I resumed our relationship. During lunch, we would drive to a nearby church and make out, while Steven scribbled Nietzsche quotes on the church property. 

Late one night, Steven made a fire in his yard. We all made a pact, to be family forever. We cut ourselves and soaked a cigarette in our blood. Then we each smoked some of it. To commemorate it, we blared metal and Janet and I smoked, while David, Scott, Jeremy, Steven, and Joseph burned bibles. 

We were so rebel. 

Carry on, Keep romancing

I stayed in our group. I kept quiet. I couldn’t tell anyone, because I thought it was my fault. I shouldn’t have been so high. It was because I was high. 

One night, Janet and I were invited to a mutual friends birthday party out in the country. We took Scott and Adrian along. Someone had started a huge bonfire in front of the trailer. There were about 30 people there, most of whom I did not know. Everyone was passing blunts. I took each one that came my way. 

Tasha, the birthday girl arrived with a bottle of everclear and asked who would help her drink it. I volunteered, and we passed it back and forth until it was empty. Later, I tried to light a cigarette on the bonfire and burned my lashes. I didn’t feel a thing. I never did anymore. 

At 3 in the morning, we decided to leave. I was too drunk to drive, so Scott took the wheel. We arrived at Adrians house and Janet slipped into the kitchen to make Mac and cheese. Scott and Adrian disappeared into Adrian’s room. They came out with an old Savage Garden CD and we jammed like it was the 90’s. 

Later, Adrian’s mom came home and was talking in circles. I didn’t know what was wrong with her, but she quickly went to her room. 

Janet fell asleep on the couch, so the three of us went to Adrian’s room. We were all laying on the bed, when Scott rolled over and started kissing me. Adrian quickly got up and left, slamming the door. The noise jarred me back to reality and I pushed Scott off of me. 

Later, I learned that he had told Adrian that we had sex in his bed. What an asshole thing to do, Scott. 

Star No Star

Infer


no One day, David and I found ourselves hanging out with Will, the schools resident stoner. He enticed us over to his house with the promise of “some good shit”. So we went. 

His room was your stereotypical movie stoner room. He had tie dyed posters of aliens and black lights. He drug out an enormous tub of water and carried with him a milk jug that had been sawed in half. He asked if we had ever used a gravity bong before. We hadn’t. He demonstrated it. 

After Will, it was David’s turn. David got half way and then coughed. After him was me. To all of our surprise, I pushed the milk jug down completely and inhaled it all. 

I was fucked out of my mind. I had never been as high as I was then. I could hear colors. I laid on the bedroom floor giggling. Will sat next to me and laughed. David was angry. Because I showed him up? I have no idea why. But he left. Immediately he called me on my cell and broke up with me. 

David, why did you leave me with Will? 

Will was fairly sober, so he drove me home. I was still stoned, but I was getting better at hiding it. My mom approves of me being with some guy who wasn’t dressed in all black, and left us alone while she went shopping. 

Still high, I sat in my bed in a daze. Will left the room. He came back soon after and pushed me onto the floor. I was so high, I couldn’t get my arms above my body to push him away. He started unzipping my pants and pushing his hands in. He put his arm across my throat and I couldn’t breathe. I saw black. 

I came to pretty soon after. I was furious. I wasn’t able to express any other emotion. I told him to get in the car. He looked at me wide eyed. I drove him home in silence. When he got out, he begged me to forgive him. I drove away. 

When I got home, I threw up. And then I showered. And another piece of me shut down. 

Vredesbyrd

I I became a regular at Steven’s house. We all did. Every day after school we met there and smoked. My new relationship with Scott lasted only a week. I broke up with him and David quickly asked me out.

My journalism class took a field trip to the local college one day. We were given schedules and had to sit in on several courses. A girl in my class who I had never paid much attention to named Janet made a comment in passing that she would rather be getting high. I made eye contact with her and she soon came my way and told me she had bud. We decided to ditch the rest of the day and drove off towards our school. David was already out of school for the day so we picked him up and drove off into the country. While I drove, David fashioned a pipe out of a soda can. We parked and smoked it.

Later I took David and Janet to Steven’s house. She told me that she had been here before. As it turned out, Janet use to date Steven’s best friend, Jeremy. Steven called Jeremy to bring more weed, and our group grew that day. 

Janet and I became the best of friends. She began dressing "goth" like me. Jeremy was also never without a black trench coat, metal spikes and singing a death metal song. Our dark group turned Scott from a happy skater to a very dark person. Him and Steven really hit it off and became good friends. Steven would often preach to Scott about LaVeyan Satanism, and because Scott never really grew up with any authoritative figure, his mother committing suicide when he was an infant and his father lacking in any people skills, Scott was easily accepting. I listened too.

I felt safe in my circle of friends who most people avoided out of fear of our appearance.

Often, Steven’s mother would join us in our smoking circle and sometimes make Janet and I a mixed drink. I think she liked having other girls around. I began buying Cd's that I knew David would approve of and I actually started joying the music. Janet introduced me to the band Jack Off Jill and when it was just the two of us in my car, we would blare it. Janet would also steal packs of cigarettes from her dad or Jeremy, who was 23, would buy a pack for us and we would split it, often smoking all of them in one hazy night.

I would come home smelling like stale smoke, hoping I didn't smell like weed and alcohol as well. On weekends, I "slept over with Janet" and we would party all night at Steven’s. It became our ritual.

Damnation and a day

Inferno

I was relieved to find that Steven’s mom was home. Nothing too crazy could happen. She introduced herself and went to her room. Steven disappeared into his, while I struggled to hold a conversation with David on the differences between death metal, black metal, and grind core. 

Steven reappeared holding this thing that looked like a tree stump with a face in it. I wasn’t completely naive. I knew it was a bong. I just didn’t know how to use one. I observed. It was passed to David, and David to me. Luckily, Steven and David were talking to Steven’s cousin Joseph while I fumbled with the bong and passed it off. 

I learned that night, while smoking and talking, that Steven’s mom was also Wiccan, but Steven was a LaVeyan satanist. 

David was pretty high and asked me to bite his bottom lip. Was this some weird metal foreplay?

I was pretty sure I wasn’t high, but I was having fun. I felt accepted into this weird group. 

Then Steven got a call from another friend. He was coming over and bringing his new roommate; Scott. 

David knew about our brief history and asked if I wanted to get out of there. So we left in his car. On the way, we passed Scott walking to Steven’s house. David forgot all about our mission to escape and picked him up. 

Scott was happy to see me. He pulled me into the back seat and kissed me. I was so confused. And ok, maybe a little high. 

That night was weird. We stopped at several parties. We smoked a lot of weed. I felt torn between David, who I was developing feelings for, and Scott, who maybe I still had feelings for. 

Later, at one of the parties, Scott asked if I would consider being his girlfriend again. I made a decision and said yes. He kissed me, and then reached for a blue glass bong that was handed to him. I turned and saw David watching me from a chair. While Scott was smoking, I crawled over to David and looked into his eyes. He touched my face, smiled, and kissed me. Scott didn’t see. 

Later, we ended up in my car. I dropped David off at his car and Scott and I drove to a park. I had told my mom that I would be spending the night with my friend Peyton. But at 4am, the party was over. So Scott and I parked my car in a darkened street. And we spent the night together. 

Sunsetter, Nymphetamine

Vita

Summer was over. I walked into our high school as a junior. The first day, some kid came up to me and introduced himself to me. Adrian was a friend of Scott’s and heard about our break up. He wanted to see if I was ok. 

Ok?

He was funny. I liked him immediately. Not like that. I’m sorry, Adrian. I really am. 

We spent several days together hanging out. He was a special kind of weird. I felt like I could be silly with him. I felt a new kind of life. Just a good friendship. One day, I told him the story of my life. He laughed at how hung up I had been over Adam. Because Adam was his cousin. Great. Just fucking great. 

I didn’t like to hear Adam’s name. It reminded me of my first death. The first soul crushing pain that life is known for. 

God, I was dramatic. But feelings are real and such is life. 

Adrian broke up with whoever faceless girl he was dating and asked me out. I was bored. I was lonely. I said yes, but I shouldn’t have. I just didn’t feel that way. And that relationship didn’t last long. Fortunately, our friendship did. Through the years, he became one of my greatest friends. And there was always that hope that by being around him, maybe I’d run into his cousin. 

Adrian left a half smoked cigar in my car once, and I kept it. I practiced smoking it without choking. Smoking. What’s one more way to slowly kill myself. 

Later in the year, my friend Eric invited me to hang out with him after school and watch his friends practice in their band. I knew two of the band members. David, who I’d sort of known for a while, and Tony. Who was a friend. Steven was also in the band. I sorta knew Steven from algebra class. He looked about 35 and spent all class period brooding and coloring his fingernails with sharpie. He was a different kind of scary. I wanted him to like me, for no other reason than to not have him sacrifice me in some sort of Nordic pagan ritual. 

After “practice”, which mostly consisted of them punching their equipment, we all got into David’s car and went to McDonald’s. David was hilarious. I wanted to get on his good side, so I mentioned some of the metal bands I’d seen in his cd case in the car. He was shocked that I “knew metal”. I didn’t. I lied, David. The only bands that I really knew were Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Goat Whore. But it was knowing the ambiguous Goat Whore, that won him over. So maybe I didn’t lie that big. 

David later exclaimed that we all needed to head to Steven’s house. Immediately, Eric and Tony declined. I felt a sense of foreboding. But even though I didn’t know David or Steven too well, I went along. 

Vermilion

Vita

As soon as Justine returned home, he broke the news to her and we became an official couple. 

I felt life returning to my starved body. I threw away the razors. I breathed in deep. 

We drove down country roads in the summer sun, blaring Slipknot and laughing. We told secrets and kissed in the rain. He waxed poetic over my beauty. I wasn’t beautiful. Really. Was I? Maybe I was. 

I started to believe him. 

And then one day. There’s always “one day”, isn’t there? He told me he had been talking to Justine again. He felt that he still loved her, but he loved me, too. He asked for a pause in our relationship so he could spend time with both of us, without guilt, and choose his favorite. 

I became a dog in a contest. When he asked me to perform, I did. I wanted to win. I felt shame and humiliation. I felt less than and unworthy. I spent “her days” alone and afraid. But before the trial week was up, he ultimately chose me. 

But did you, really?

I was awarded best in show, I guess. My self worth nonexistent, I still felt like I’d won some great prize.

My mom decided I needed a summer job, so I applied at an Italian fast food chain, and got the job. The cash I made went to gas and cigarettes for Scott. 

During the two months that I worked there, all of the guys noticed me. They flirted. They bought me lunch. They made me feel worthy of attention. And then I would leave and go pick up my homeless bum of a boyfriend. What was I doing? Some days we even spent time with Justine. He hadn’t really chosen me, after all. I gathered up some self worth from somewhere, and broke up with him. 

The hurt inside is fading

Vita

My sophomore year was coming to a close and I was not looking forward to the long, lonely summer. The last day of school, I heard that Scott and his long time girlfriend had broken up. When I saw him in the hallways, he seemed happy. He even... did he just wink at me?!

I was floating. During our lunch period, he flirted with me. We spent the rest of the school day together. He took pictures of me with a disposable camera and told me I should be a model, that I was beautiful. Is this a dream? I can’t be beautiful. I am hollow. I am nothing. Scott, did you ever mean what you said? Did you hate me even then?

When school was over he walked me to my car. A rival high school had vandalized most of the cars in the parking lot with shoe polish and mine was one of them. Scott offered to come home with me and wash it. I couldn’t breathe. 

We never got around to washing the car. We stayed in my room and watched old cartoon movies, and talked. He told me that he really liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. He claimed that he was a gentleman and wanted to ask my mom for permission, since I was 16, and he 18. After my mom’s skeptical approval, he told me that there was one other thing that he needed to do. His ex, Justine, was out of town and they had plans to resume their relationship upon her return. He had to wait until she arrived to tell her that he couldn’t be with her, before he could be with me. I was so desperate for his acceptance, that I agreed to wait. 

In the mean time, we kissed. A lot. I spent all of my gas money driving across town to pick him up. He was living with our mutual friend Eric. He had been thrown out of his home, lost his job, and his car quite recently. The poor thing. I would take care of him. I would be his rock. His protector. His wings. 

And that’s just what I became. Eventually. 

He was a skater boy

Vita..

Adam had disappeared. I don’t know what happened to him. Was he kicked out? Or dropped out? Another guy caught my eye. 

Scott seemed like a goofy, friendly guy. He was friends with everyone, and slowly I became friends with him, too. 

He was one of the best skateboarders at school and impressed the girls with his tricks. I’d broken up with Josh and was dating James, a guy from another high school. I never thought I would be good enough for Scott. All the girls in our group wanted to be with him. I was still in a long process of self loathing, and had very little confidence or self esteem. 

I stopped eating. Food scared me. Fat scared me. I became afraid of triple digits. I weighed myself daily. If I could stay under 100 lbs, I would be ok. If I could shrink into nonexistence, that would be even better. I no longer had the energy or ambition for suicide. But I found that razors worked better than safety pins. And in a pinch, break some glass. The fresh red crisscross slices in my arms tingled like Vick’s Vaporub. It was soothing. 

Day in and day out, I seemed to float to each class. I didn’t know if I was walking. Were my antidepressants working? How was I supposed to feel? Nothing? Because I felt nothing. 

Goth fashion was becoming popular in my group of friends. We experimented with smearing black makeup across our eyes and I took up Wicca with my friend Melissa. My sophomore year consisted of inhaling too much incense during my witchcraft, hating myself, hanging out with James and trying to smile, and trying weed for the first time. 

And then one day, James dropped a bomb. He cheated on me and would rather be with her. What? All this time I pretended to care about him, but I had never felt betrayal before. My self loathing grew. I couldn’t even keep a semi homeschooled weirdo as a boyfriend. 

A few days later, Scott heard me telling Romnie about the break up. His indignation flattered me. He insisted that he confront James for me. My hero. 

Freak On A Leash

I could feel the water rising higher and higher as I walked down the stairs.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

I knew it thought I had drowned.

But I know me and I'm stronger than that.

I could feel my heart beating as I held my breath.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

Knew that's what it wanted.

For me to drown.

I smiled because I knew I was too strong for that.

I could feel my insides burning.

Needing air.

But I kept going.

Curiosity.

It thought it had me just where it wanted me.

I laughed to myself.

Light-headed but confident.

We both smiled now.

Confident.

But a little confused as to why we shared the same look of satisfaction on our faces.

I looked at it in the eye as hard as I could.

It knew how scared I was.

That's all I can remember.

I guess it's given up because I'm floating now.

And the burning sensation is gone.

I have over come.

-2006

I know when it started. The first time I’m pretty sure I fell in love. But of course, I was 14, and who really knows what love is when you’re 14. Maybe it’s feelings so much bigger than you’ve ever experienced before. A tightness in your chest and in your throat. Kind of like suffocating. But way better. Sometimes. 

I didn’t really know him. So that makes me wonder why my life was jarred as sharply as it was. 

I knew who he was, but we’d never spoken. He was just another face in the hallway of our middle school. My best friend Chelsea had a crush on his friend, though. It was her idea to have the party. So she could invite her crush. She wanted it at my house though. Something about a guy you like, in your house, with your parents watching. Yeah. 

So we planned for it to be at my house. A boy/girl Christmas party. How grown up. 

I was getting ready for the party that afternoon when he called. Adam asked if he could also come to the party, since Larry would be there. Sure? I guess so. I was one of those too nice girls who couldn’t say no. And really, I didn’t care. One more boy at my party. How cool was I? 

Everyone arrived. My other best friend, Romnie, was nervous because her crush, Tony, was also there. She had just moved out of her childhood home, too, and was feeling a little lost. So she planned to stay the night that night after the party. 

We listened to music and did whatever little teenagers do. Then someone suggested we play spin the bottle. How quaint and terrifying all at the same time. 

I don’t even remember most of that game. I was too busy trying to not look like I was panicking. I’d kissed guys. But kissing was still kind of new and risqué. I also don’t remember who spun the bottle. Was it me, or Adam? Either way, one of us landed on the other and we kissed. Just a brief kiss. But I was pretty sure I loved him after that.  He asked me out before he went home, so I guess I was ok, too. 

That night, Romnie and I stayed up all night playing Tony Hawk on PlayStation and talking about how cute Adam and Tony were. 

I had no idea how to have a boyfriend. He wasn’t my first, but I hadn’t quite figured it out with the others, either. He called me every night and we make small talk while I beat myself up silently for not being a sparkling conversationalist. Chelsea started dating Larry, and the 4 of us sat in the cafeteria together and stood outside for our allotted airing out between classes. 

I’m the oldest. So my mother was just learning how to navigate the increasingly rougher waters of raising a teenager. She tried the strict approach first. She talked with her school connections and determined that Adam was no good for me. She told me to end the relationship. So I did. And I guess that’s when the water really started roaring. 

I’m pretty sure every teenager will feel a rebellious streak at some point. Some ruffle their parents hair a little, and some take it a bit further. I chose the latter. 

Having been pretty sure that I just lost the love of my life, and and 14, he was, I also lost my grip on reality. I spent obscene amounts of time locked in my room crying and writing sad poetry. I discovered that when I scratched at my skin with a safety pin, my pain was transferred for a brief moment. I started listening to rock music, because it drove my mom crazy. And the day that I learned that Adam had a new girlfriend, I climbed the tree in my backyard with my dogs leash around my neck. 

Stopped from ending this new and unexplainable pain that I was in, my mom rushed me to psychiatry, where I was fed pills to dull the jagged edges of my internal wounds, but stoked my anger. 

I started dating a guy named Josh. My mom liked him. I didn’t. But it kept her quiet. She thought that with Josh in the picture, I would stop thinking about Adam. I didn’t. I had planned to win him back in high school. 

I went to two separate schools. A place for advanced math and science, and then a regular school. When I walked into my high school around noon that first day, I saw him immediately. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. But I tried to play it cool. Somewhat disinterested. Did it work, Adam?

We became friends that year. I looked forward to our lunch period every day, just to be around him. Every day I wanted to grab him and tell him that I never meant to break up with him. That it was a stupid mistake and I hated myself for it. But I never did. 

Eventually I did gather up the courage to ask him out. He said no and my world was basically over. I didn’t care anymore. My heart was useless if I couldn’t give it to him. I cared so little about myself and what happened to me, that I decided to systematically ruin myself over the next few years. I got pretty close, too. Why? Fuck it.