I'm heading out - I've got some ends who say they care

Purgatorio

Every day was becoming more and more routine. I often spent all night going on jobs with Callie and fighting with Ninja. I started noticing that drugs were no longer curing my constant nausea and I had chewed a large hole in my cheek from tweaking. One afternoon Ninja and I were over at Brett’s house. Jackson was there and said his ride fell through and asked if I would give him a ride so he could go sell to a few people. I agreed to if we could go a little later.

We left and drove over to Baker's house. He surprised us with some drugs and we all pulled out pipes. While we were smoking, Jackson arrived ready for me to go. I was having a good time and told him to find a new ride so he borrowed Brett’s mom's car instead.

A week later, Callie came over to Baker’s and asked if we'd heard the news. The day Jackson wanted me to give him a ride, he had been parked in a parking lot measuring out some dope when a police car parked along side him. He was arrested for having 10 grams of methamphetamine on him with intent to sell, along with 2 sawed off shotguns in the trunk. He got 20 years. I was so relieved that I hadn't given him a ride.

Baker pulled me aside and told me he was worried about me. He said that I didn't look right, that I looked off balance when I walked. I told him I was fine and blew him off. A few days later, Callie and Ninja told me the same thing. Baker told me I was too young to ruin my life like he had done his. He was feeling guilty for providing me with drugs. Callie was feeling the same way. I was angry with both of them, even though I knew they were right. I started spending more time with Ninja. One afternoon, I was driving to Baker's and popped an Eve 6 song into my CD player. A song called Promise came on and I broke down. The lines:

I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
I promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try not to let you down


made me think of what I was doing to my mom. We had always had a pretty good relationship, even through all my rebellious teen years and the guilt tore me apart suddenly. I realized that nothing in my life made me happy anymore except drugs. I use to be such an animal lover and suddenly could not remember when I last pet my dog. I dried my tears when I arrived.
We spend the night together after I went on what would be my last deal, although I didn't know it at the time. I showed him a letter I was trying to write to my mom asking for help. Admitting to being an addict. He told me he agreed with my decision to quit. The problem was, I didn't know if I would have the courage to quit. I was deathly afraid of the thought of not being able to use. The next afternoon, I had to go home because I had a doctor appointment. I promised Ninja that I would be back as soon as I was done.

I arrived home and my mom told me that they would probably want to do some blood work since I was a new patient, so I had better not eat anything. I panicked. They would certainly find the drugs in my system. I ran to the kitchen and started eating. My mom tried to stop me but I told her that I was starving. I weighed myself. I was 81 lbs. I knew they would at least hospitalize me for anorexia,  so I pulled on my rain boots and searched my room for things to hide in them to weigh me down. As I was looking, I suddenly became exhausted. I laid down on my bed for just a few minutes. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, I looked at my clock. It was almost time to go. I stood up and headed down the hall. When I opened the garage door to find my mom going through my car. My heart sank into my stomach. she had found my journal and confronted me. She asked me to tell her, without lying, if I was a drug addict. I was trapped, so I confessed. The rest of the day was a blur. I vaguely remember trying to plan my escape from a moving car. I vaguely remember trying not to cry when the doctor comforted me and told me they would get me help and I vaguely remember my mom talking to my nana and cancelling my graduation trip to Hawaii. The only thing I remember with great vividness was standing in my driveway while my mom and nana talked as I stared at a flower in the garden and feeling the worse feeling I've ever felt. This feeling of utter terror. It's so hard to describe. I looked at this pink flower and nothing felt familiar. Like I had never been at my home. Like I had never seen a flower and I didn't know those two women standing there talking about me. This feeling of a wild animal in a cage. My only though was freedom. I wondered if I started out running, if I could make it to Baker’s house.

The next day, we visited my psychiatrist I'd been seeing since the Adam incident. I still had the same terrified feeling. I heard him mention sending me to detox. I couldn't breathe. Something was suffocating me. On the way to detox, I begged my mother not to take me. To just let me go to rehab somewhere. I told her I HAD to tell Ninja what was going on. She drove me to Baker’s house but Ninja was not there. I knocked on the door and opened it. I told Baker that I was going to go away and get help. Tears filled his heavily made up eyes and he squeezed my hand and wished me luck. Then I got back in the car.

I spent a week laying on my couch. I would fall asleep for hours. When I woke up, in a pool of sweat, I was starving. I ate until it hurt and then I passed out again. Over and over...

One day, we went to a book store and I asked for a journal. When we got home, I tried to write my feelings, but I ended up falling asleep. I was much happier to sleep than to be awake, because when I was awake my only thought was escape. The terror never left me. Plus I was dying for a cigarette. It was raining heavily that night. I was so worried about Ninja. I took a shower and put on ripped up jeans, my black Coyote Ugly top, a floral long sleeved shirt and green Converse shoes without socks. I threw on a red raincoat too. I knew this was my night to leave. My mind was driving me crazy and I could no longer stand the feeling of terror. I knew that if I did not get rid of this feeling, that I would kill myself. I had already went though the possible methods. I was going to swallow pills. I was going to slit my wrist. I was going to steal a bike and ride into traffic. I didn't care how, I just knew I was going to die if I didn't leave. I had to die to rid myself of the feelings. I wrote letters to my family. At the time, I didn't know if they were run away letters or suicide letters, but either way they would work. I asked my mom to drive to Baker’s just to see if Ninja was alright in the weather. After much convincing and manic pleading, she agreed.

She told me to put my purse in the back seat. I did, but slipped my wallet into the sleeve of my raincoat. I stumbled around in the dark to his tent. He was in there sleeping. I woke him up and whispered that we had to get out of here. He shook his head. We walked out and my mom told me to get back in the car. I shook my head and ran in the other direction. I could hear my mom screaming and honking the horn. It broke my heart but I had to go. I knew I wouldn't survive if I didn't. We took several back alleys and finally crossed the street. We walked down a very bad side of town. A large man appeared and we began talking to him. He seemed nice and invited us to his apartment but we declined. On we walked. We crossed another big street. I told him we should go to Josh's house. It was all the way across town. We stopped at an ATM and I took out $5. That was about all I had in there. Then we went to an all night convenience store where we bough a cheap pack of disgusting cigarettes and a drink. On we walked. Finally we made it to Josh’s house. Brett was over there as well. Neither one of them had drugs but that was fine. I just wanted to sleep. We passed out on the couch at about 6:00 am. At exactly 7, we awoke to an irate woman screaming. She was Josh’s mom and ordered us to get out. Me, Ninja, Brett, and Jackson's two large pit bulls who Josh was caring for started off down the street. Several blocks later, I stopped to rest. I was so exhausted. I took my shoes off because they were hurting my feet and saw that large flaps of skin from my heels were torn off, because I'd been walking all night with no socks. Ninja carried my shoes for me and we continued to walk. I left small trails of blood behind me that the dogs licked up. I found one flip flop in someones yard and wore it on the foot that was the worse off. I put the other shoe back on. Brett wandered off by himself with the dogs and we decided to walk to Callie's boyfriends house that was several blocks away. We stopped at a store and used the payphone with the last quarter we had. I called Mel in hopes that she would give us a ride. I forgot she was in summer school. She didn't answer so we stopped at a laundromat across the street to rest. I sat in a chair and hung my head down and fell asleep. I heard a woman asking if I was alright and Ninja said I was but that I was tired. An hour passed and we got up to walk again. The woman bought me a bottle of water and gave us a few cigarettes. We walked a few more blocks and stopped at a park where I collapsed. We slept another hour in the grass. Finally, he told us we had to get there so we continued on. We made it to the house and luckily Callie was there. She made me a sandwich and gave us more cigarettes. She told us she would get us a ride back to Baker’s house. When the car arrived, she pulled me aside and handed me some change. "Call your mom and end this." she told me. The man gave us a ride back and we crawled into Ninja's tent. Baker wasn't home. There was a letter left for me from my mom asking me to call her. After a nap, Ninja gave me a pair of his socks so I could put my shoes on again and we walked to a pay phone where I called. I demanded that my mom meet me somewhere to give me some money. We argued for a while and I had a hard time standing up straight. Finally she agreed to meet me. I got off the phone and we walked to another store to buy a hot dog with the rest of the money Callie had given me. I felt bad about eating meat, I hadn't in years but I was starving. On the way back, I saw my mom. But I also saw my dad and papa. They had ambushed us. I was drug to the car and we drove away. I kicked and screamed all the way home. I had a breakdown when we arrived home and for some reason, they agreed to let me see Ninja. That he could come over for supervised visits, but that I wasn't allowed out anywhere. I took the best shower ever and dressed in all black. I felt a hint of nostalgia for my goth days. We drove back to Baker's where they explained the rules to Ninja. They drove him to my house and fed him.

Every day became the same, again. My mom drove me to pick up Ninja, he was quitting drugs too (because he no longer had me, the dealer and connection, or my money) so he was withdrawing as heavily as I still was. We ate a ton of food and then napped. But he did have cigarettes which we would smoke.

One night I weighed myself. I had eaten so much lately I wanted to see the result. I was an even 100 lbs. That night, my withdrawal was particularly bad and I spent most of the night throwing up. Immediately the next morning I weighed myself again. I had dropped to 96 lbs.
_________________________________________________
June 17, 2006. The day I quit meth.

One for the treble, two for the bass...

Purgatorio
It was raining out one night and I worried about Ninja out in the tree. He called his mother and asked her to send him some money. In the mean time, I borrowed $100 from my mom so he could rent a room in a motel. I would have used my own money but my bank account had been drained from all the drugs I had been buying. I promised her that as soon and his mom sent the check, I would pay her back. We drove to a Days Inn and I went in to get a room since Ninja didn't have a license. I told him to rest up because we would have to find somewhere else for him if the rain didn't stop by tomorrow.

The next morning before work, I stopped by the motel to check on Ninja. I walked in and there were several friends of ours sitting around tweaking. I was so angry with Ninja for using the rest of the money on drugs instead of saving it for tonight. but he made me feel better when he showed me he had saved some dope for me. I took several large hits from the pipe and took off for work. I was tweaking hard so I spent the entire day at work buffing my fingernails almost completely off with the nail buffer I kept in my purse. My nails needed to be clipped and I discovered that all the drugs I've been on had made my nails very brittle so I could easily peel off as much as I wanted. I also found out that my hair was brittle too. I took several strands and broke them in half. It was a little alarming.
After work, Ninja and I went to Brett’s house. His mother told Ninja he could stay over for one night. I called my mom and said I was staying the night with a friend so I could stay there too. Brett’s mom had some new dope that we smoked that night.

The next morning, Ninja and I visited Mom and Adrian before I had to go to work. Mom took me by the arm and lead me into her bedroom. She handed me a box and told me that inside was her pipe and the best dope she had ever tried. She told me to try a little in the bathroom. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and opened the box. I pulled my pipe out instead so I could save some. I poured a little of the dope in and stood in front of the mirror as I took a big hit. All of a sudden, everything turned black and my head started to feel tingly. As soon as my vision cleared, I was on the biggest high of my life. I didn't know what kind of meth this was, but it was amazing. I melted a little more down, let it dry in my pipe and stored it in my purse. I came out of the bathroom and told Ninja I had to get to work. He had nowhere to go so he was going to stay in my car while I worked. When I drove into the parking lot, I handed my pipe to Ninja and told him there was amazing shit inside. Then I got out and went to work.

A few days passed and finally I got the check from Ninja's mom for $200. I cashed it, gave $100 to my mom and I called my own dealer and bought $100 worth of drugs with the rest. I arrived at Baker's house where Ninja had stayed the night and handed the baggie to him. Callie asked if I could take her on a deal so I did. When we got back, Ninja had taken the drugs and broken down half in one syringe and half in another. I was livid because I had planned on smoking it. Something was making me terrified of shooting up again. I didn't know what it was, call it intuition. Ninja shot his up and went outside. I sat on Baker’s bed and worried. I held the syringe that had 3 times as much dope in it than I had ever shot up before. Baker asked if I wanted him to administer in for me. I told him no. He asked if I wanted him to pour it out and dry what he could. I knew it would lose its potency so I told him no. He knelt down in front of me and ran his fingers through my hair. He told me not to do it if I didn't want to. He reached his head up and I knew he was coming in for a kiss so I lowered my head so he would kiss my forehead instead. As much as I loved him, as a friend, I just couldn't kiss a 51 year old man. Even though I was beginning to like him better that Ninja. He was tired so I got off of his bed and told him to go to sleep. I went in the living room and sat down. Ninja came in and told me if I felt that strongly about it, then I shouldn't do it. But that was my drugs. I wasn't about to let him or anyone else have it. We sat for 3 hours in silence. I started to feel sick again, I always did when I didn't have drugs in my system, so I finally agreed to do it, but I wanted him to do it for me. I went into the bathroom. I had never been in there before and was a little astonished to see a dozen small dolls lining the bathtub. They were wet and I wondered if Baker bathed with them. I put the lid down on the toilet and sat down. Ninja knelt in front of me and put on the tourniquet. I tightened it and found a vein for him. I looked away as he slipped the needle into my arm. I suddenly felt sicker. My vision was gone again and all I saw was black. I lost my balance and fell off the toilet, hitting my head on the bathtub before falling to the floor. I don't know what dying feels like, but I knew I was pretty close. I started shaking uncontrollably and I felt consciousness pulling away from me. I don't know how to describe it other than it was a physical pulling sensation and I wrestled with it. I felt my mind slipping away so I tried desperately to concentrate on something. I started shaking my foot and blocked out the sound of Ninja screaming at me while I concentrated on the sound of Baker snoring. I felt a warm sensation on my face and knew it was Ninja slapping me. It couldn't have been longer than 5 minutes but it felt like hours. I finally felt another warm sensation in my arm and suddenly my vision started to clear. I started feeling better. The dizziness and pulling was gone and Ninja helped me sit up. He had injected clean water into my vein in an attempt to “clean” them. When I was fully conscious I felt better than ever. I had bad cotton mouth so we went to the store for a coke. I was floating.

I arrived home at 9:45 pm. Usually being as high as I was, I would have been awake for over 24 hours but I was suddenly so tired. I laid down on the couch and passed out instantly. I didn't wake up again until 5:30 pm the next evening. I was late for work! I jumped up and got ready as fast as I could. I felt horrible. My head was pounding and I couldn't walk straight. I had a hangover from Hell. When I got to work, they told me that being late was the last straw. I had called in from work 11 times since I'd been there and their policy was 10 days. They told me not to come back. I was a little relieved because I hated that job and no longer had the mental capacity to work with money. I went over to Baker's house instead to see him and Ninja. They were inside on the phone with a dealer so I sent out on the porch and started writing a poem in my journal. I thought back to what made me get into drugs in the first place. I hated Scott more for making me escape from him with meth. Drugs were no longer fun. My two friends, Mel and Sam were no longer around. They had their own drug circles. Ninja was the only person close to my age that I associated with. I started writing.

Falling

In my dreams
I cry out a name
Undercover
Unconsciousness
Fear of loss
Found lurking
In shadows
I dreamed him
Gone
Silhouetted against
The past

Iron gates scaled for
Freedom fists and
Bats raised in tyranny
The fatherland engulfs
His mother’s name

Echoing in my head…

Tired eyes search
Huddled masses of
Hope and despair
Contradictions collide
Cling to who I can
The smell of decay
Ripe in the air
Separation sharp
In my throat

Dry lips cannot refuse
The sustenance of salt
Taken from bruised hands
A spirit returned
Bent but not broken…

Years later
Hated again
The search for freedom
Taking different forms

Scar tissue still
Sensitive
Fear lingers like a first love
Freedom a limited resource
Fear always in abundance
Resolved in delicate snowflakes
Encased in glass pipes.

Poets profess
American in our ignorance
Savor the foreign delicacy
The exotic metaphor
The hollow call

More willing to spill ink
More
Abrading embrace
Then distance taught
My heart
To cherish self again-
Distance-
And the crucible of a heart
Hollowed so thin that
Screaming had seeped
In and taken refuge
I welled up with the source
Of that sound, rushed up
Curling up
And I screamed
-As I never had before,
And the rush of blood
Bruising, forfeited freedoms
And stolen styles - stolen smiles
Seething to a flashflood;
Spun on my axis - long
And stiff - the sex object
My brain - and I get fucked from my self.
Myself as human.

Where in ebbed;
Leaving the residue
Of my soul

Deep in reality,
I am alone.
I no longer recognize
Me.



Callie arrived and saw me outside. I told her what had happened the day before and how I was feeling. she told me I was too young to lose myself further and that maybe I should get help. I told her I didn't want to. Then she proposed a new job for me. Since I was no longer making money for drugs and gas, she would supply gas money if I became her business partner. The few times I went with her while she was making drug deals, she had received some positive "feedback" from her boyfriend. He said that his 'clients' felt safe and like everything was on the level with two women selling to them. She asked if we could use my car and become a dealer with her. In return, her boyfriend would pay car expenses and give us free drugs. I agreed.

A week went by with my new job and Ninja was not happy. I was so busy working that I had neglected him. I picked him up and we started driving to Brett’s house so I could drop off some drugs for him. We began fighting in the car. After the deal, we were on our way back to Baker’s house when Ninja told me that I was a drug addict. I knew it but I was angry that he of all people was judging me. I started yelling at him and he grabbed my pipe from my purse, opened the car door and smashed it on in the street while I was stopped at a red light. I lost it. When the light turned green I hit the gas and planned to slam into whatever was in front of me. Ninja screamed at me to stop. Instead I turned onto the street that lead to Baker's house. I hit the gas again and Ninja grabbed the steering wheel. I stopped and pushed the horn. It was late at night and Ninja was scared the cops would be called so he reached for me and grabbed me by the throat. I started to scream for him to get out. He opened the car door and before he could step all the way out, I took off. We weren't far from Baker’s house so when I stopped in front of it, got out and started throwing all of Ninja's belongings into the street. Ninja caught up with me and tried to grab me. Instead I ran around to the other side and found his box he kept his paraphernalia in. I found a full syringe that he had planned to use and before he could catch me, I pulled the stopper out and spilled the drugs all over the ground. He chased me around the car and I ran to the front door and started banging on it. No one answered so I called Baker on his cell. He wasn't home but said he was close by and asked what was wrong. I was hysterical and tried to explain that Ninja was trying to kill me. Baker said he would be right there and hung up. Soon, his truck flew into the driveway and he jumped out. He ran to me and kept me behind him as he threatened Ninja and told him to get off of his property. The two of us went inside. It was there that I noticed Baker had blue eyeshadow and mascara on. I smiled to myself as I tried to explain what had happened. I cried over my broken pipe and Baker promised to buy me a new one. We sat for a few hours and then Ninja showed up at the door. He apologized for what had happened. I knew he was going through withdrawal, that's why he was so scary. I was going through the same thing. Baker had some drugs so he got it out so we could all feel better.

That night, a friend of Baker’s came over with something wrapped in tin foil. He handed us a straw and held a flame under the foil. We all inhaled the smoke that started floating out of the crevices. I started feeling weird. I had never done heroin before.

The most that I can learn - Is in records that you burn - Get your gunn, get your gunn

Purgatorio

I spent nearly every day at Baker’s house. We would buy some dope, usually with my money, and sit and smoke it until it was gone. Then we would talk. One day I came over and Ninja was acting very strange. He was muttering to himself and jumping at every sound. He ran into the backyard and stayed there for a long time.

Callie and I were sitting in the living room when Baker came in with his hand bandaged. He told us that he had a pinched nerve. The doctor had given him pain killers and muscle relaxers. He had taken too many and was stumbling around and slurring his speech. He bent down to tell me how beautiful I was and pretended to trip so he could try to touch my chest. Callie got up, scolded him and shooed him away. Then Ninja burst in shouting about the masked men outside. He jumped over the piles of junk to show us what was out the window - nothing. He was going through 'meth psychosis' and a lack of sleep. "I can't stand these crazy guys! Let's get out of here!" Callie said to me, so we got into my car and drove away. He boyfriend called her while we were driving and asked her to deliver something for him. We went to his out and he gave us 5 grams of meth. He gave her a list of all the people buying that night along with addresses. "Keep whatever is left." he told us. Callie took the wheel and we went to the first house in a run down neighborhood. When we arrived at the door, a man let us in and hugged Callie. He took us to a back room and told us how much he wanted. Callie pulled an electric scale out of her purse and asked if I knew how to use one. I faintly recalled my sophomore chemistry class so I took the scale and the large bag of dope. I measured out what the man wanted while Callie took and counted the money. After I wrapped the dope up in cellophane and gave it to the man, we were on to the next house where we did the same thing. 10 houses later and we were finished. We drove the money back to her boyfriend's house and headed back to Baker's with out substantial reward. On the way, she asked if I minded stopping at her son's apartment. I agreed and we pulled off. We climbed the stairs to his door and knocked. A short young man with dark hair answered. "Jason!" Callie cried and hugged him. He let us in and Callie introduced me to him and his room mate. In the car she had made me promise not to mention the drugs we had on us but once we were inside she was telling him all about it. He asked if we could all smoke a little and she asked me if it was alright. I was a little surprised but I pulled it out of my purse and we got busy.

Later, we returned to Baker’s to show him and Ninja what we had. Baker and Ninja wanted to shoot up so Baker went to find a big box of syringes he kept. We each got one. After that I asked Ninja if he wanted to go visit my friend Brett. He agreed so we got in the car and left. When we got to Brett’s I saw another old friend named Josh there. Josh had just bought some dope and asked us to join them. This time we smoked it. Brett showed me his new tattoos while Josh talked about some good stuff he was buying tomorrow. I gave them my number and told them to call me so I could try it. Finally, it was late so I had to go home.

The next day I had a little dope left hardened in my pipe so I smoked it in the parking lot before going in to work. I spent the whole time reorganizing the jewelry cleaner. I loved tweaking at work. When I got bored, I power-walked around the store.

After work, I checked my phone. I had a missed call from Brett. I called him back and he told me to get over to his house to try the new stuff so I went to pick up Ninja and head over there. When we got there, I had another call. It was Josh this time telling me to leave Ninja in the car because Jackson was coming and he hated Ninja. I was surprised to hear that. I thought they were friends. I told Ninja to stay in the car while I went inside. When I got in, Jackson wasn't even there. I asked them what was going on and they told me they just didn't like Ninja. They asked me to sit down and offered me a cigarette. While we smoked, they told me that they didn't have the dope yet and that Jackson was bringing it. We talked for about 20 minutes and smoked more cigarettes when I remembered that Ninja was still in the car. I asked if he could come in yet and they said yes. I went out and got him. Later, Jackson arrived. Brett’s mom answered the door and invited him in. He showed her the dope and she paid for it. Then she asked if we would all like to smoke some, and a circle was formed. We passed and talked for an hour. It was getting late and I was still having fun so I called my mom and told her I was sleeping over with a friend.

Jackson mentioned something about his ex being at his place and not wanting to go home. He asked if he could hang out with us. He got in the back seat of my car and we drove all night long. When the sun was coming up, I looked to see that he had fallen asleep in the back seat. I told Ninja to get rid of him because I wanted him out. I stopped at a convenience store so I could buy some cigarettes. When I got back to the car, Ninja told me the plan. Since Jackson cooked meth, he would need someone to help buy all the supplies because it was too suspicious for him to buy it all the time. I agreed. We dropped him off at a friends and went to the store. We wandered around looking for carbon, string, drain cleaner, Sudaphed and everything else on the list Jackson had scrawled on the back of an ATM receipt. After buying it, we took it back to Jackson and gave him a ride to his house, where he gave us a chemistry lesson.

Days went by and life was becoming routine. Go to Baker's house, get high, go to work, go back to Baker's house and get high. Occasionally we'd go to Brett's and smoke with him, his mom and Josh. One afternoon, on my day off I was at Baker's when Callie got a call. A friend of her's was going crazy at another friend's house and wanted to leave but had no transportation. He told her if she could get him a ride, he'd give that person 1/2 a gram of dope. Callie was on her way to her boyfriend's but offered the job to me and Ninja. I agreed. Ninja drove while we went to this house to pick up Geoff. Geoff was a very large read haired man in his mid 50's. We picked him up and we could tell he was tweaking heavily. He threw a duffel bag in my trunk and hopped in. We asked where he wanted to go and he told us anywhere but here. We drove around for a while when I got a call from Jackson. He was at a store outside of town and needed a lift. We set off in his direction. Geoff made me nervous so I was fidgeting in the passenger's seat. There was a pry bar by the door that we had for emergencies and I played with that for a while, then I flipped my phone open a few times to check the time. Suddenly Geoff asked us to pull over, he wanted to change his shoes. When he got back in, he flashed a large handgun. "Just for my protection" he said, and he pointed the gun at the back of my seat. "Keep driving" he said. I was so bummed out that I had somehow upset him. I knew I wasn't going to get the drugs that were promised to me. I partially wondered why I wasn't more alarmed that there was a gun at my back. We arrived at the store and Geoff, who was luckily a friend of Jackson's, surprised him with a gun in his face. They had a good laugh while Jackson climbed in and we drove to Jackson's place to drop them off. As I suspected, I didn't get payment.

The next day Callie told me that Geoff was paranoid and thought I had taken a picture of him with my camera phone and planned to hit him over the head with the pry bar. Oh.

This is not how I am, I have become comfortably numb

Purgatorio

It was my graduation day. The dress I had bought just a few days before was now too big. I got in the car and drove there by myself. When I arrived, I found Sam in the frenzy of nervous graduates. We stood and waited for instructions. Mel, unfortunately, was not going to be graduating with us. She would have to make up a class she failed and graduate later in the summer. While we waited, David approached me, gave me a hug and asked if I could score him some acid.

After graduation, Ninja, Daniel and Adrian joined me at my house and we had a cook out with some of my family. Ninja and I stole away several times to kiss. Afterwards, we dropped Daniel off at the apartment and took Adrian home. Mom welcomed me in and said she had some graduation gifts for me. First was a beautiful cameo pendant on a pale pink ribbon. The other was a bag of dope and a pipe. We smiled and ran to her room to 'try it on'.

I got a call when I was at home one evening. It was Mel warning me that she heard that Scott was back in town. I stood frozen. Fear crept over me. I couldn't breathe. I went to see Ninja. He told me to forget about him. He was on a mission to get back at the guys who gave him crack instead of X and asked me to come along. He got the the guys address from a new guy he'd met named Jackson. We got in my car and drove to the house. Daniel came along too. Ninja kicked the door in and confronted a guy we didn't know. The guy told us that the man we were looking for was in jail. Ninja stole a bunch of things that belong to this man and we left.

Later, Ninja suggested that we go hang out with Jackson. He told me that Jackson had something to do and that he needed a car. I agreed. That night someone dropped Jackson off at the apartment and left. He was a tall, clean cut guy. We all got in the car with Ninja driving and Jackson directed us where to go. He told us that he was a manufacturer and he had to collect on some debts. We got to one house and Jackson went to the door. No one was home so he rummaged through the mailbox and stole a credit card. Later, we went to another house outside of town. "These people may put up a fight. Ninja, are you down?" Ninja said he was. "I'll need a get away driver. How about you?" he asked me and winked.

We drove to the back of the house and I slid into the drivers side while Ninja and Jackson got out. Jackson pulled a gun out of his pants and handed a bat to Ninja. They told me to turn the headlights off and to keep the motor running. I sat in the dark for what seemed hours. Finally, as if nothing had happened, they returned and calmly told me to drive. We passed a gas station and Jackson told me to pull in. He bought me a full tank of gas with the stolen card.

The next morning I got another call. Mel told me not to worry about Scott. Apparently Gary, who had been our friend at Sam's infamous birthday party, had somehow acquired Scott’s old I.D. and was just arrested for shooting a police officer. Gary was high on meth at the time. He got a life sentence.

The next day, Ninja was frustrated because he couldn't get a hold of any of his dealers. "Do you remember Baker? I think I remember where he lives. We could try him." Baker was a very eccentric man in his early 50's. The night I first met him, he was at the apartment with Ninja doing coke lines while I was still dating Daniel. He was seated at the table in the back room wearing denim overalls, a tuxedo jacket and a black top hat. He had brown disheveled hair and was with a woman about 10 years younger than him. Her name was Callie. She really looked too nice to be around any of us, with a nice hair do and a pretty cream colored sweater. We hopped in my car and went to find Baker's house. After a few wrong turns, we finally found it. It was a very small house. There was a makeshift deck built out of spare, rotting boards, and the porch was barely visible due to the amount of junk piled on. Baskets, bike parts, half a piano, bags of garbage, clown heads, wind chimes and clay pots were piled up everywhere. After we maneuvered to the door, Ninja knocked and we heard crashing inside. Finally Baker opened the door, looked at us for a while and let us in. The house was in worse shape than the porch. The back wall wasn't visible at all. All kinds of furniture was piled all the way to the ceiling among other junk. Baker uncovered a couch and asked us to sit down. "I apologise for the mess. But these are my treasures." he told us. He sat in a rocking chair with a large rainbow flag tied to the back. Ninja began asking him if we new where to score some dope. While he was talking, Baker rolled a joint and offered it to me. Then he fished a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. While he talked, I looked around the room. I could see a small hallway behind Baker that lead into a very tiny kitchen. There was a small nook on the other side where a twin bed dressed in zebra print covers and various decorative pillows sat. The walls that I could see had small concert posters everywhere. The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones. I studied George's surroundings and made mental notes. I'd learned quickly that you have to get drug dealers to like you, because being on their bad side could be deadly. I never underestimated anyone in the drug game. "I hear you know Jackson. If you pick him up and bring him here, he'll sell to you." Baker told us. He gave us an address and told us he would see us soon.

Ninja and I set off. We arrived at a trailer park. When we knocked on the door, I was shocked to see an old friend from middle school named Brett. We picked up Jackson and left. 

When we got back, Callie was there. We made the money transaction with Jackson and we all got busy smoking. During our compulsive tweaker talk, Callie and I bonded. I learned that she was 40 and had a son a year older than me.

The next night I told my mom I was going to be at Mel's house and went to spend the night with Ninja. We had no drugs so Ninja fell asleep early. Having insomnia I sat around and tried to scrape my pipe. All the residue I scraped off I tried to smoke. Then I went out to see what Daniel was doing. I could tell he was in a bad mood. "I just want to know something. Are you dating Ninja?" he asked me. I told him I was and he went crazy. He told me never to come back. I yelled back that I didn't want to be around a guy who rapes his own sister anyway and I stormed out. I heard yelling inside and Ninja emerged with all his things. "I punched him,' he said. 'no one will talk to my girl like that." I smiled as we got in the car. I had a WalMart gift card for graduation so I bought some gas and drinks. We drove to the park and walked out by the water. We made fun of Danny until we finally drifted off to sleep. We woke up when the sun was coming up and realized we were covered in ants. After brushing off and running to the car, we drove to a convenience store. I got out all the change I had and counted it on the dashboard. I had just enough for one pack of cigarettes. When I went in to get them, I noticed a girl I'd gone to elementary school with was working there. She recognised me and started talking. I must have looked pretty bad because she told me not to worry, she was going through some crap too. She was pregnant and single. I told her I was a drug addict and slept in a park that night. She told me I won and to have a nice day. I smiled and left.

We headed to Baker’s house. He had a weird tent in his front yard consisting of an overgrown tree and some tarps. There were bunk beds inside and Baker told Ninja he could stay there. We sat around and smoked some more. I had called in again. Work was really getting in the way of my drug taking. The next day I knew I had to go to work so I smoked a lot before going. I had to close that night so I had to be sure I could stay awake.

At work, I stood and watched the customers pass by. Having a jewelry counter in this store was a joke. I calculated that I had been awake for nearly 3 days straight. I'd had a few mini naps in between. I saw something moving in the corner of my eye. I turned to see vapor swirling inside the glass jewelry cases that surrounded me. It looked like meth vapor in a pipe. I got on my knees to see if I was really seeing this. I did. I started freaking out and jammed the key into the lock to get inside. I had forgotten to step on the security button connected to the diamond case and a shrill alarm went off as I stuck my head in the case to breathe in the drugs. I opened my eyes to see that there was no vapor inside. I was very confused. I could have sworn I saw it. I stood up and saw people staring in my direction. I shut the alarm off and went and hid behind the cash register. Had I just hallucinated? I was tweaking pretty hard and spent the rest of the evening scraping a sticker off the diamond safe. At 9:00 it was time to cash out and close my station down. I tried to remember what I did almost 4 nights a week. I couldnt. I opened the cash register. I took out all the bills. I got out my slip I had to write the amount in bills, checks, etc. on and realized that I had forgotten how to count. I stood there for 10 minutes staring at the money. All the lights were turning off and I still stood there panicking. I wrote down fake numbers and ran to the office to turn everything in. As I walked to my car I wondered what was wrong with me.

Key by the three when I chirp shawty chirp back, Louis nap sack, where I hold'n all tha work at

Purgatorio

One day after work,, I arrived at the apartment to find two guys I didn't know there. They handed something to Ninja, he gave them a wad of bills and they left. When they were gone, Ninja unwrapped the small bundle and found 3 crack rocks inside. He blew up. "I asked for Ecstasy! Not this crap!", he yelled. I told him he was an idiot for not looking at what he was buying. Ninja asked to borrow my phone. He tried calling the boys back but got no answer. "Fuck it. Let's just smoke this shit.", he said. I had never smoked crack before so I was willing to try. He fashioned a crack pipe out of the broken pipe we had used for the hot rails and some Brillo. he put the small rock inside and lit it. After he took a hit, he handed it to me. He told me to smoke it like I was smoking weed. So I held the lighter out to light the end and took a big hit, held it in and tried to exhale. Immediately I started choking, coughing and gasping for air. My throat was immediately numb and it felt like it was closing up. I freaked out because I couldn't breathe. Every time I gulped for air, my throat burned and I coughed instead. After about 5 minutes of panic, the feeling subsided and I was really freaking high. I was not much of a downer girl, I liked the stimulants, but this feeling was okay. We smoked the rest of the rock and I got up to leave. It was about 10:00 pm. I got in my car and drove off. My head and throat were still very numb and I was light headed. It was pretty dark but once I pulled out in traffic, I was feeling confident. My light turned red but I didn't notice and kept going, almost slamming into an ambulance. Luckily I stopped in time and then noticed the red light. When it was green I kept going. I went about two miles until I got to the highway that took me to my house. Once I got on, there weren't as many street lights and that's when I realized that my headlights were not on. I quickly flipped them on and made a mental note to not drive on crack anymore.

The next day when I got to the apartment, I was told by Daniel that him and Ninja had smoked one of the rocks so there was only one left. Ninja handed it to me and told me I could have it all. Just then, a neighbor who we had done coke with a couple of times named Chingo came over. He was a middle aged Mexican man who had ruined his life by becoming an alcoholic. He lost custody of his son and lived alone. He told us that he just spent the last of his money on whiskey and his son's birthday was coming up. He felt horrible. He sat down next to me and I offered the crack pipe to him. He eagerly took it and the two of us smoked it all. Then he hopped up and ran back to his place. He came back with two more crack rocks and the four of us took care of them. Later when we were alone, Daniel handed me half of a rock. He told me he broke it off before Ninja got to it so I could have some. I put it in an old baggie and kept it in the glove compartment in my car. Chingo came back one more time with a small bag of weed he wanted me to have for sharing my crack with him. I put that in my glove compartment as well.

It was the last week of school before graduation and my criminal justice class took a field trip to the county jail. I drove there myself in my car and before getting out, I stashed my meth pipe and my cigarettes in the glove compartment next to my weed and crack rock. Irony.

I was beginning to having nothing but disdain for Daniel. He drove me crazy. Being in the halfway house stunted his maturity and at 20, he still wouldn't cuss. I'd heard enough "Dagnabit's" and "fudge!" for a lifetime. I didn't require that my boyfriends cuss, but I did want them to be more of a man instead of a 10 year old. So I calmly explained to him that I felt like I was a bad influence on him. I was not ready for a relationship and wanted to just be friends. He was sad but agreed that he wanted to remain friends. I really couldn't stand Daniel and only agreed to be friends so Ninja would still have a place to live. Who incidentally I secretly started dating later that night.

That same night, Daniel had to go to work while me, Ninja, Sam, and Adam sat in Daniel’s kitchen and shot up the best dope we'd had yet. The meth drought was officially over.

There will be, ups and downs, smiles and frowns

Purgatorio

Daniel got the night stocking job. Ninja, Mel and I drove through an ATM and I withdrew $40. Ninja was on the phone for hours trying to find someone who had some to sell. Finally, he got a hold of someone he didn't like dealing with but it was our only choice. J.D. asked us to come to his place, which was across town. When we got there, no one was home. We sat for a long time waiting until finally a lady with a 5 year old girl drove up. We told her we were waiting for J.D. and she invited us in. While we waited for him, she pulled out a pipe. She took a big hit, passed it to Ninja and smiled at her young daughter playing with a Furby. "You know this is yucky stuff, don't you!" She told her daughter. "Yes, Mommy." She said.

Ninja passed me the pipe and I looked into that little girls big brown eyes as I took a big hit and passed it to Mel. J.D. and another guy burst into the room. Him and Ninja talked business while Mel whispered to me that J.D. was a hit man for the Mexican Mafia. After the deal, J.D. went back outside and unloaded his car. He came back in carrying tons of various weapons, mostly automatic rifles. He winked at me and asked if I'd like to help him clean his guns. The guy he was with came in with another arm load. I glanced at Ninja. He stepped in between us and said that we had to be going.

A week later, we walked into that house again to find that J.D.'s friend, that guy who's name I never caught, had hung himself in the bathroom. I ran out screaming.



One day I was at the apartment with everyone smoking when my mom called me. She wanted me to meet her at a photography studio to get some cap and gown graduation photos. I panicked. I ran to the bathroom and saw that my pupils were dilated to the max. My eyes didn't look human. I met my mom and didn't look her in the eye. I told her that my eyes were irritated and Daniel put some eye drops in that made them feel worse. I got the pictures taken, my ears ringing the whole time, and took off back to the apartment.

At school, we were given our final tests. My English teacher told us that for our final, we had to write an essay. Mel and I both decided to write about our drug habit. We figured with only a couple of weeks left of school, who cares. I took home my pipe and what was left of the dope we bought and I locked myself in my closet in the middle of the night and smoked it. When I was finished, I got a flashlight and wrote me whole essay. The next day I found out Mel had done the same thing. We laughed about it and read each other's papers. At school we turned them in and thought that was that.

The next evening, my teacher called my mom and informed her of my paper. When she confronted me, I was disgusted that she actually thought the paper was about me. I confessed that Mel had had a drug problem last summer and I wrote, in first person, her story. Somehow I got away with it. My teacher wasn't so easy. He told us the next day that he cared too much about us to see us ruin our lives, and asked us to get help. We promised.

At home one night, I saw on the news that local police were cracking down on the meth problem. They must have been doing well because the next few days were very dry. We couldn't find anyone selling. Ninja had met a large African American man living in the building named E. and told him of our troubles. E. sold Ninja some cocaine. He told us that we would have to do coke until the meth production built back up. That same week, a big man, also in the Mexican Mafia came over to the apartment threatening Ninja for something. I never found out what Ninja did but I called Mel to warn her about it. Later that night, I got a call from that man. He told me that what was between him and Ninja was their business and he would sure hate to 'get rid of' a pretty girl like me. I apologised. The next day, Mel broke up with Ninja for that man because he was the only dealer in town who had access to meth.

A few nights later, I went to spend the night at the apartment. Daniel was at work all night so I decided to hang out with Ninja, Adam and Sam. We sat around doing lines of coke. Later, Sam and Adam fell asleep, because the coke wasn't very good, so Ninja and I went for a walk. The only store that was open was a convenience store so we went in and bought some cigarettes. We met another African American man who lived at the apartments named Stony. Stony was a very bad off crack addict. He smiled, revealing the big gap in his teeth and told us he'd knocked out his 2 front teeth so he could hold his pipe easier.

Ninja bought a big bottle of Crown Royal from T. one day and poured some into cups. Ninja, Sam, Adam, Daniel and I all drank and smoked cigarettes. There was a little coke left so we took care of that. Then Ninja got out 5 syringes and started filling them with Crown. We each shot some up. I was impressed that you could taste the alcohol in the back of your throat once it hit your blood stream.

Some people melt 'em down in a needle and shoot 'em up

Inferno

The weekend came and luckily Scott stayed the night with a friend. I, Mel, Ninja, Sam, Jeremy, and Steven got together in Mel's car and drove out in the middle of the country at midnight. We were packed in her small car, sitting in each other's laps. We had just bought some dope and sat smoking it. Then we drove back into town and around the city. We stopped at Mom's and hung out. We had some extra money so Ninja called a connection of his and we bought more dope. Ninja reserved some for the 4 of us to shoot up later and the rest we passed around in the pipes.

At 3 or 4 in the morning, we were beginning to crash. We said goodbye to Mom and piled back into the car. We drove back to nowhere and Ninja got the syringes ready. Steven and Jeremy told me they were disappointed in me for being a “needle junkie”. They wouldn't listen to me when I told them that this would only be my second time.

Sam went first. "Holy shit, this is way better!", she cried when it hit her veins. Mel went next and then Ninja. I was crashing hard and it put me in a bad mood. My friends were beginning to get on my nerves. I was pissed that I was crammed in the back sitting on Steven’s lap. When it came to my turn, there were so many people in the car that I had to lean over and hold my arm out unsteadily while Ninja tied the tourniquet on in the relative dark. He had a hard time finding my vein and just guessed. I watched him pull some of my blood into the syringe and he was about to push the stopper when I felt a very cold sensation where the needle was. "Oops, blew a vein." Ninja said and started moving the needle around to find a new one. I was pissed. "Take that shit out!" I yelled. He pulled it out and asked if I wanted to drink the contents. I couldn't waste it so I took the syringe and looked at the red, bloody solution. I opened my mouth, squirted it in and threw the syringe out the window. I asked Mel to take me back to my car. The drugs I swallowed wouldn't be enough to get me back to feeling good. I decided going home would be better than sitting around being the only somewhat sober person, who also had a massive headache.

As I was driving home, I rubbed the big blue bubble under my skin where the vein had blown. I was thankful that it was still winter out and I would be wearing my coat when I got home so my parents wouldn't see my mangled arm.

Monday during school, Mel asked if my arm was okay and said that Ninja got a new connect and we had to try out his stuff. After school, Sam and I got in Mel's car and picked up Ninja. We drove around smoking the new stuff, which was amazing, and then they dropped me back off at my car so I could go to work. I had never been to work while tweaking before. I rearranged all the display cases, cleaned the diamonds 2 or 3 times and personally escorted all the customers who had stopped to ask me where the bathroom was.

That night Scott and I had our last fight. He was irate because I had been spending a lot of time with Mel and Sam. The next day I asked Sam how Daniel was doing. She recently moved in with him and Adam. She told me he was fine and newly single. Then she told me that I should dump my asshole boyfriend and go for Daniel. I thought about it for a while, and while I wasn't too attracted to him, it would be nice to have a place to do our drugs. Sam gave me his cell number and told me to call after school and ask for her. She wouldn't be there, so I could start a conversation with him. It worked like a charm. He was out with friends when I called and I asked him to meet me up at the mall. We walked around and flirted for a couple of hours and then I had to get to work.

After work as I was walking out to my car, Scott called me, like he did every night at 9:00. The first thing I said was that I was tired of him. I was tired of his scary mood swings and I was done with him. At first he argued with me. I got in my car and started driving home. By the time I got to my house he was in tears begging me to take him back. The meth I had smoked before going to the mall that day was still in my system and gave me the courage to stay strong. It was finally over. I gave all the credit to meth. It saved me from that relationship.

The next night after work, I stopped by the apartment "to see Sam." She was still at work so I sat with Daniel and his sister. Out of nowhere, he leaned over and kissed me. "If you really want to do this, you need to tell her. It's only fair." She said to him. I looked at Daniel confused. "I want to ask you out but there's something about me that I have to tell you." Daniel said to me. He took my hand and lead me out to the courtyard. We sat on a bench and he hung his head down. He told me that he was in a halfway house on a juvenile corrections facility from the time he was 15 until he turned 18. "I'm not allowed to get in contact with some of my family, and the rest just refuse to talk to me. Jessi is the only one who forgave me, the only family I have." I asked him why. "When I was 15, I sexually assaulted my 6 year old sister, more than once." I couldn't believe it. I wondered what it was about me that attracted wackos. But seeing the shame in his face made me force myself to see passed his past. I needed a safe place to do drugs. I took his hand and kissed him. We became a couple that night, even though looking at him made me sick.

Ninja moved in the next day. He had just been kicked out of Jeremy’s house by his parents and I asked Daniel if Ninja could live with him, just for a little while. I had noticed that I had become attracted to Ninja and wanted to make sure he was okay. Each day after school, we all congregated at the apartment and pooled our money together. Then Ninja called someone and poof, we had dope. We sat and smoked. Daniel had never been high in his life and I convinced him to try dope. I sat in front of him and coached him, just like Ninja had with me. I pulled a hit for him and he was hooked. When the meth was gone, we sat and smoked cigarette after cigarette. Then it was time for me to go to work.

After one eventful night of drugs, Mel was called home and Sam had to go to work. Daniel was in an interview for a night stocking job at Walmart. It was my day off so Ninja and I were left to our own devices. We caught up with Jeremy and Steven, and got in Jeremy’s car. We drove around for a while when Jen called. I told her we would be over in a few minutes to give her a ride to work. When we picked her up, there was so much junk in the back seat that I had to sit in Ninja's lap to let her in, which I didn't mind. "You guys look like you've had fun." She said. "We been high." Ninja told her. "Weed or what?" Jen asked, even though she knew the answer. "METH!" Ninja howled. Jen rolled her eyes and mumbled something about us needing to quit. She hopped out of the car when we got to her work and waved.

I tried to roll out of Ninja's lap when there was room again, but Ninja put his arms around me and wouldn't let me. I was upset that our flirting could go no further because I couldn't betray Mel and I was afraid to get Daniel mad at Ninja because he could kick him out.

The next day, I had another day off and was feeling great. I went to the apartment and Ninja said he just scored some Oxycontin. I'd heard of it but had no idea what it was. I didn't ask though, I didn't care. Ninja had also been to the store and had bought 3 new syringes. "Wanna try this?", he asked Daniel. Daniel looked at me. Poor thing was trying so hard to impress me, so he agreed. "Me first!" I yelled. After Ninja broke down the pills in water, he shot it up then gave one to Mel . He only had one syringe left and asked if Danny would mind sharing with me. He didn't. So Ninja put the tourniquet on me. By this time I knew the routine so I pumped my hand and found a good vein. Then Ninja slipped the needle in. I felt nothing. 6 hours later I still felt nothing. I decided that I hated oxy. It was a waste of time.

But there's still traces of me in your veins

Inferno

The next day, Sunday, I rested. My mind was exhilarated from the night before. Then Scott called. He was in a good mood. Relief washed over me. He didn't know what I did. We had a rather pleasant conversation and then hung up.

Monday at school, Mel caught up with me in the hall. "Sam is mad that we didn't invite her Saturday night. Get ready for the weekend!" Then she hugged me and skipped off to class. I was so happy to have a friend! I confidently walked to my classroom. Later on that day I ran into Sam in the hall. She hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and promised me some fun for the weekend. Mel and I had a class together before lunch. She told me I needed to come to lunch with her. When the bell rang to let class out, I quickly called Scott and told him I had to go to tutoring for my lunch period and could not talk to him. Then I followed Mel and Sam out to Mel's car. We got in, Mel handed out cigarettes and we drove to Jeremy’s house where Ninja was staying. We got out and Ninja came outside. He hugged Sam, then me, then picked Mel up and kissed her. We all sat in the back yard and smoked more cigarettes. It was cold out but we all wore thick winter coats. Ninja planned out the weekend. I couldn't wait.

Every day was like this. I lied to Scott to keep him from calling me at lunch. Occasionally he did call. Mel would pull the car over and she, Ninja and Sam would keep quiet while I whispered to Scott that I was in class. Then we would drive around and smoke cigarettes, listen to music and talk. I felt so good. I had friends again. I was accepted.

The weekend finally came. I told my mom that I was going to a sleepover with Mel and Sam. We met near a park and got into Mel's car. Then we picked up Sam, and then Ninja. Ninja had already scored the meth that he called 'dope', which it would be referred to from then on. Ninja suggested that we go to "Mom's" house. I asked who Mom was and they told me, it was Adrian's mom. I suddenly remembered how strangely she was acting the drunken night I, Scott, Adrian and Janet had stayed over. So she did dope! We got there and she ran to hug me. She was pleasantly surprised to see that I did drugs too. "This is just her second time!", Ninja told her. Adrian wasn't home and she asked me not to tell him what she did. I agreed and we all sat around the living room. Ninja pulled out his pipe, Mom went to her bedroom and came back with her pipe and they pulled out the small baggie and started scooping a little bit of white crystal into them. the lighters came out and I watched them inhale. My heart started beating quicker in anticipation. Then it was my turn. Ninja asked if I wanted him to pull my hit. I did.

I was feeling great. I started telling Mom how mean Scott had become. She was shocked to hear all the hateful things he said to me. Later, Mel got a call on her phone. It was Jeremy and he asked for Ninja. After he hung up, he told us that Jeremy and Steven had scored some dope and were looking for a place to do it. They were on their way. I was a little surprised to hear that Steven did dope too until Ninja told me that in the summer when Scott and him were over at Steven’s, Steven’s mom pulled Ninja away to give him a hit of hers. I was more surprised to hear that she did it.

When Jeremy and Steven arrived, we began passing around the pipes again. By the middle of the night, my head was pulsing. It was a very strange sensation. I was surprised that nothing hurt. By daybreak, I headed home.

We kept this ritual for a few more weeks. Then one day Scott was sweeter than he had ever been. I knew he had been smoking weed and was pretty high but I was so happy to hear him in a good mood. He told me that I should look for a job so that I can start saving money and as soon as I had enough, he would be able to come home and we could live together. I decided to quit doing drugs. I abandoned my friends because Scott promised me such nice things. I still spoke to them in school but declined to go to lunch with them and made excused on the weekends. I started applying for jobs. Nearly a month passed and I got a call from Sears. They were looking to hire a Fine Jewelry associate and gave me a date for an interview. I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot, just one thing though, I needed to go in for a drug test. I was pretty confident that I was clean so I didn't sweat it. I went in, passed and got ready for my new job. Scott was so proud of me. I needed to go shopping for work clothes. It was hard finding work clothes. I was maybe 97-98lbs. I bought everything in the smallest size.

I got a new haircut and started my new job. I stood in the glass case corral looking at all the diamonds while my new co-workers taught me how to work the cash register, how to lock and unlock the cases and taught me the combination to the diamond safe. I felt very grown up as I got into the computer and requested time off for the day I was to graduate and for the week long vacation to Hawaii my family was going to take me on to celebrate.

I worked there for a couple of weeks, doing pretty well when Sam called me. "I'm having a birthday party at my friends apartment. You HAVE to come." I knew what was going to happen at that party, but it was important to her that I be there so I agreed to go. Just one more night of partying and that would be it, I promised myself.

The day of the party, Scott called. I took a deep breath and told him, very matter-of-factly that I was going to Sam's house for her birthday. I was going to spend the night and there was nothing he could do to stop me. He lost his temper, which I assumed he would, and put the phone down while I worked on a painting I had been been laboring over for a few days. I picked the phone up occasionally to see if he was still screaming. He was. I put the phone down again and continued painting. When he was finished, I calmly told him again that I was going and hung up.

That evening, I drove up to the apartments and found which one Sam said to look for. I knocked and Sam pulled me in. Inside was a girl named Kaylee who I was acquaintances with and two guys who I didn't know. Sam introduced them as Adam (not that Adam) and Gary. Adam touched my thin arms and said "Wow, you really are a tweaker girl." I didn't tell him that was just years of intentional starvation. "Mel and Ninja are out looking to score." Sam said. We sat around for hours. Sam put on a Mudvayne CD. More hours passed. It was 3 in the morning when Daniel, the one who lived in the apartment, a girl named Megan and a girl with flame red hair and tall black boots named Jessi burst in. They introduced themselves to me and sat around with us for a while. Jessi was sitting in Daniel’s lap and made out with him sloppily while Megan told me that she was Daniel’s sister. Then Jessi and Megan got up and left. Gary pulled a pipe and some weed out of his pocket and asked if anyone wanted to smoke. Adam and Sam were asleep on Daniel's bed. Daniel said he didn't smoke and if we were going to, to do it near the window. Kaylee agreed and her, Gary, and I huddled around the window and got pretty high. We got the munchies so Daniel drove my car through an all night burger place while we sat in the back seat laughing at the white guy who looked like Snoop Dogg, who worked there. I took everyone's fries since that was about the only thing they served that didn't contain meat. We drove back to the apartment and waited for Mel and Ninja to get back. sitting there, I got a call from Scott. I hushed everyone and snuck into the bathroom. Scott was drunk and in a bad mood. We started arguing. He told me that he did not like me being at Sam’s house. I told him it was too bad. He heard Daniel and Adam talking outside. He demanded to know who it was. Luckily he knew that Sam had two brothers. I told him that's who it was. He demanded to know if they had hit on me. I told him no, they were very respectful. Sam's brothers were big and Scott knew it so he didn't push that subject further. He then demanded to know why I was up at 4:30 in the morning. I told him that he had woken me up and that I was tired and would very much like to go back to sleep. We argued some more. I raised my voice a few times and then finally got him to let me hang up. When I emerged from the bathroom, Daniel patted me on the back. I took some time to describe to him what Scott was like.

Finally, Mel and Ninja walked through the door. Ninja turned and locked the door tight. He had just bought $200 worth of dope. We all went into the kitchen and sat around the table. Daniel declined the drugs but sat down to talk with us. We each pulled out our lighters while Sam gathered the pipes and Ninja pulled out the most dope I had ever seen. Then we started. An hour in Ninja suggested we do hot rails. Gary refused. His uncle died that way. That did not scare me away. Ninja asked for a candle. He had a pipe with the globe part broken off. One side he had wrapped in electrical tape. He crushed up some of the crystals into a fine powder and made 4 lines. He heated the untaped side of the pipe in the flame of the candle for a few seconds, then he put the side with the electrical tape to his nose, snorted a line, and exhaled the vapor from his mouth. That was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then Sam did hers, then Mel, next me. That was way more intense than just smoking it alone and decided that once was enough. We smoked the rest. We smoked until 7:30. Then we were out.

Two days later at school, we were still strung out. Drugs were our weekend thing but something was making us want to do it sooner. My vow to do it once more and be finished with it went out the window. Tuesday night I didn't have to work so we planned to meet up at T’s house. Unfortunately Sam couldn't make it so it was just me, Mel and Ninja. We passed the pipe around for a while and then Ninja and Mel disappeared into the kitchen. Donny passed me a joint. I took a hit, then T. passed me the pipe. When Mel and Ninja returned I asked them what they were doing. Mel opened up her purse to show me an orange syringe. "It's the best. You have to try it." She told me. My eyes widened. "Ninja does it really good. You'll be okay." I thought about it. I did want to experience something more intense than the hot rails so I took a deep breath and agreed. Ninja told me we better leave because T didn't approve of needles. We said goodbye and all got in my car. They told me to head to the park across town. I was on a combination of uppers and downers and had a really hard time driving. I stopped about 20 feet in front of a green light thinking it was red, then flew over a hill. A cop was sitting at the bottom of the hill and for some amazing reason he didn't want to pull me over so just flashed his spot light as a warning. I slowed down to 10 miles under the speed limit until we finally arrived at the park. It was completely dark but as an added precaution, we rolled our coats up into the windows so no one would be able to see inside. Ninja and I climbed into the back seat while Mel sat up front and poured some water out of a coke bottle into the cap. Ninja pulled out a tin box and opened it. Inside he took a new syringe still in the package, a spoon head, a small ball of cotton and some dope. He poured a little dope into the spoon, opened the syringe and took a little water from the cap Mel held, and squirted it into the spoon. Then he dropped some cotton into the spoon that absorbed the mixture. He rolled up my sleeve and tightened a black tourniquet around my upper arm. He told me to flex my hand until it felt numb. While I did this he sucked the mixture into the syringe. My heart pounded and I felt nauseous. I couldn't believe what I was doing. No turning back, though. He slapped my inner elbow to expose a vein. Then he told me to take a deep breath. I turned my head and closed my eyes. I felt a prick and then a warm feeling rushed over me. My heart sped up so fast I thought it would burst. I felt amazing. "Wow!" I shouted. Mel and Ninja laughed. Ninja sucked a little water into the syringe and told me to open my mouth. I did and he squirted the water into my mouth. Tasted like bloody dope. He put the cap onto the syringe and stuffed it into my purse. "Keep that for later." He told me.

Unfortunately it was a school night and I had to go home. I drove them back to Mel's car and left. When I got home I dodged my family and hid in my dark room. I had no idea how to tweak by myself. I always talked to people. So I finished my 300 page book and then pulled out my journal. I was afraid that my mom would come in if the light was on, even though it was the middle of the night and all were asleep, so I used the light of my clock and wrote for hours. I had no idea what I was writing but I continued. At 7:30, my alarm went off and I put down my pen. I had written 53 pages, front and back. The words were sloppy and sloped down. I tucked my journal into my backpack and went to the bathroom to get ready for school. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I couldn't even see the green of my eyes. I got dressed and walked into the kitchen. I kept my eyes squinted and pretended to yawn while my mom put breakfast in front of me. When she disappeared into her room, I took one bite of food, felt sick, spit it out and fed it to my dog. One thing I really liked about dope was that it was an amazing appetite suppressant.

I got to school and examined my arm. I had a yellowish purple bruise and a small red dot where the needle entered. I never could understand my ways of thinking but I always felt that doing shocking things in a way signified who I was. I felt the same way scaring other students with my Satanic friends a year ago. When I got to class with Mel, we laughed about how sore our arms were and bragged to Sam. She was so jealous and made us promise to do it again with her on the weekend.

Hypnotize ya minds, like all the rest but I come through the veins

Inferno

It was December of 2006 when Scott decided to move back North to live with his 'adoptive parents'. They assured him that they could get him a job as a janitor at the high school they both worked at. He promised me that he would only work there long enough to make some money and then transfer back. I was so afraid to let him go because it didn't work out the last time.

A few days after Christmas, he left with his adoptive father. I felt like someone had shot me through the heart. I did something I was forbidden to do. I went out and bought my own pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I drove to a park that we use to spend time in and got out. It was very cold out but I found a log to sit on and started smoking. Just then I heard a familiar voice. It was Melissa. My heart lept. After the surge of fear, I remembered that Scott was miles away. She hugged me after I told her that Scott was gone. She sat with me and smoked. She told me Ninja had gone home for Christmas but would be back tomorrow. We sat together for hours. It felt good to have a friend again. Then the sun went down and it was time to go home. For the rest of the Christmas break, I moped around the house. I talked to Scott everyday. But things were getting worse than they had ever been. He screamed at me any time he heard me talking to my mom while I was on the phone with him. To him, she became another threat. Someone else to come between us. He was fiercely protective of me. He wanted me to be his and no one Else's. I was his possession.

Each night at 9:00 p.m. he called me. Most night we fought. This started my fear of phones. A rush of pure panic surged through me every time my phone rang. He wore me down mentally. He had me believing that I was crazy. I cried myself to sleep every single night.

When school started back up, it was worse. I spoke to no one in class. I feared that he had spies watching me again. I walked with my eyes down in the hallways. I never once made eye contact to anyone. During lunch period, I sat in my freezing car and listened on the phone while he berated me. Any time someone walked by my car, he heard and accused me of having someone in the car with me. After lunch I came to class with swollen eyes from crying.

The only person I ever confided in was my English teacher. He tried to build up my strength. He told me what a wonderful person I was. In class, he would massage my shoulders. People thought we were having an affair. He noticed all the red jagged cuts along my right wrist. He stopped me after class and just hugged me.

Scott never did get a job. He started spending most nights at a friends house. He would call me drunk. Some days he was friendly. Most days he was evil.

One Saturday in January, Scott had called to tell me he was going to spend the night with his friend and I would probably not hear from him for the rest of the night. I got a Dr. Pepper and sat down on my bedroom floor to start a book I had been wanting to read. I was on page 15 when my phone rang. I jumped, knocking my can over, spilling Dr. Pepper all over the floor and my book. After I calmed down a little, I looked at my phone. It wasn't Scott. It was Melissa. I swallowed my fear and answered it. "I know your life is pretty shitty right now. You need to come hang out with us", she said. She told me she would be at the book store and for me to meet her there soon. I was frozen in fear. I desperately wanted to go because I had not spoken to anyone but Scott and my family in so long. But I was afraid. What if he found out? Since it was Melissa, I could actually see him killing me. But I went.

I shook the whole way there. I shook while I walked around the store looking for her. Then I saw her. She was with Ninja. If Scott knew I was any where near him, he would kill us all. Mel had an arm full of books. Ninja gave me a very big hug, lifting me off my feet as he did. Mel told me they needed money and she wanted to sell all her books. I was surprised because she loved those books. But I didn't ask why. After she got her money, she asked Ninja how they were going to make more. He asked me if my mom might give us pizza money. We all piled into my car and I drove to my house. My mom was so happy to see me out with friends, she gave me $20. She told us to have fun.

On the way back, Ninja gave me new directions. We drove into an unrecognizable residential street. "Right here." Ninja told me and pointed to a small house. Junk littered the entire yard. A makeshift porch was built onto the front door made of plastic and tarp. It was dark by now so Ninja grabbed Mel and Mel grabbed my hand and we maneuvered our way to the front door. He knocked and we heard shuffling inside. "Who is it?" asked a gruff voice. After Ninja identified himself, the door opened. I walked into the filthiest kitchen I had ever seen. A short man with a few missing fingers stood inside and ushered us into the very dimly lit living room. The three of us sat down on the old couch and a very fat dachshund jumped into my lap. There was an older blond-haired man sitting in a wheelchair in the corner of the room carving a wooden box. "T this is my friend Lani. You know Mel." T politely said hello to me. Donny, the man who opened the door introduced himself to me as well. I said hello to them both very quietly. I had no idea what was going on but I had a feeling it was something bad. "How much you got?" T asked Ninja. "$30." Ninja replied. T picked up the phone and made a call. Mel and I began to make conversation while I pet the dog.

An hour in, the doorbell rang. Donny got up and let a large Mexican man in. He came in and sat next to Ninja. Mel and I were absorbed in our conversation when Ninja asked for my $20. I handed it to him and he handed it to the man. Then Ninja produced a weird glass pipe from his jacket pocket and poured something into it. Then it hit me. That was meth and I was about to do it. My heart lept as I debated with myself over whether or not I should be here. Despite all the weed and bad things I had done throughout my high school years, I knew that meth was the real thing. It was a very big deal. Then I realized that this was the first time in almost a year that I had been out with friends. I was so desperate to have a friend and I was so thankful to Mel and Ninja for not writing me off as soon as I stopped talking to them. I was thankful that they knew the truth about Scott, that it was him and not me who cut them out of my life. I was thankful that they thought I was worthy enough to save from my prison. I knew what I had to do. I watched as Ninja held a flame under the round part of the pipe. I watched as he slowly inhaled. I watched him exhale. Maybe this wouldn't be too hard. He passed the pipe to Mel. My thoughts blurred together. My heart pumped. Then she handed the pipe to me. "Let Ninja pull your hit! He does it so good!" she told me. I was more than happy to let him. He knelt down in front of me. "Wet your lips," he said, "Now when I say go, inhale slowly but keep going until your lungs are full. Then breathe out." I did what he said. I wet my lips and put them to the pipe. He flicked on the lighter and held the dancing flame under the bulb. I watched ghostly vapor rise and swirl. It was hypnotizing. "Go." Ninja said quietly. I slowly began to inhale. It didn't burn like weed. It was not heavy like cigarette smoke. It was a light airy vapor. I inhaled until my lungs hurt. Then I pulled away and rested my head against the couch. I looked up at the ceiling and slowly blew out. The white mist clouded my vision. Instantly the fear I'd had of Scott finding out melted away. It felt like when I was a kid laying in bed thinking about the next day being my birthday. I would suddenly feel this burst of energy. That's what I felt then. It one second, I went from an emotionally abused, weak and scared little girl to happy and confident. I had never felt this before. Mel clapped and Ninja hugged me. Then he passed the pipe to Donny. I got two more hits before we were completely out. We spent the next few hours sitting in the kitchen. This well of conversation had erupted in me. I told Mel and Ninja every detail of mine and Scott's relationship. They were shocked at the things he did to me. They understood me. They sympathised. Ninja told me that he would never let Scott hurt me and they would be sure to give me the life I had lost. I loved them.

We finally decided to go back to the book store to pick up Mel's car. Ninja stayed at T.'s house. On the way, I called my mom and asked if I could spend the night with Mel. She was ecstatic that I had a friend. She said yes. After we picked up Mel's car we went back. We sat in the living room again and for the first time in my life, I had the confidence to talk to strangers. I held a conversation with T. It turned out that when he was a child, he had polio, that's why he was in a wheelchair. In the hallway, we heard a noise. A very old lady came out holding a shot gun. "Granny, they are friends!" T. yelled. She disappeared. Then an old man wearing overalls came out. This was Grampa. He sat by me and told us the story of how when he was younger, he was jumped my a gang and stabbed in the heart. These were puzzling people, but I had never been happier.

By morning, Ninja said we should go. We got up and walked out in the daylight. We felt like vampires. The sun killed. Of course we were crashing hard. I felt like shit. I said goodbye to them and crawled into my car and went home. When I got home, I couldn't tell if I was hungry or not. I knew I needed food and felt that it would easy the crash so I drug a bag of potato chips to my room and curled up in bed. No one told me that the first time you do meth, everything tastes like meth.

The time has come, it is quite clear. Our Antichrist is almost here.

We spent the day together after school. When we got to Nicks house one day, my mom called my cell. She just wanted to say hello and see what my plans were for the day. Scott went through the roof. He was so mad that she called and ruined "our time". He said that when I went home, that was my time with my family. Now was time with him. He refused to speak to me for an hour. Then he told me I had to get my mother to understand that she wasn't to call unless it was an emergency. He got up and walked out the door. I followed.

He got in my car and turned the engine on. I had just enough time to hop in before the took off down the street. He wouldn't tell me where we were going. We ended up in front of Steven’s house. He told me to stay in the car while he went in. He was gone for a long time. I was too afraid to get out of the car and go up to the door because he told me not to. I called Steven’s  house from my phone. Scott answered. "I'll be out in a minute!" 15 minutes later he emerged from the house. When he got in he told me that I had to smoke this weed with him if I wanted him to be nice to me. He said it was the only thing that would but him in a good mood. He pulled out a pinch hitter and packed it. We arrived at a park near Nick's house. He took a big hit and passed it to me. I took a hit as well.

That became routine. We had sex, smoked a cigarette, something would piss him off and then he would force me to smoke weed. It happened almost every day. One day while Scott and I were watching a movie in his room, Juan called. I was panic stricken. Scott saw the name on my phone and answered it. He got into a screaming match with Juan. Then he handed the phone to me. He told me to tell Juan that I was happily in love with Scott and that I didn't want anything to do with a freak. When I got off the phone, Scott started screaming at me. He was mad all over again for what had happened so long ago. He pushed me against the wall, and my head hit hard. When he realized what he did, he punched the wall and ran outside. I followed him. It was raining. He said that he was going to kill himself for pushing me and that I needed to be with someone else. Someone who was a cheater like me. Danny’s house was nearby so he took off towards it. I followed him trying to get him back in the house. He stopped across the street from Danny’s house. The wind whipped his wet hair around. "DANNY!" he screamed over and over. I was afraid someone would hear. I fell to the ground and begged him to come back to Nick’s house. Finally, he turned and walked away. I followed. We went back to Nick’s. When we got there, he told me that he still had the noose on the roof of The Pod and that he was going to go kill himself. He told me that he was going to carve my name into his chest so when the cops found him, they would know it would be my fault. Before he could reach them, I took the keys from my car. I got in the drivers seat and told him that I couldn't handle him anymore. The window was rolled down and as soon as I started the car, Scott reached in to try to get me. I fought him off and then he grabbed a handful of my hair. He pulled me out through the window and started carrying me down the street. I kicked and screamed as loud as I could. A neighbor stepped out and said that she had called the cops. Scott told me to calm down. "We have to get out of here," he said. We walked back and got in my car. We drove away and he apologised over and over.

He was so hurt and angry with himself that my heart melted. I hugged him and told him everything would be okay.

That night when I got home, he called me. He had changed again. I spent an hour on the phone listening to him call me names. I could barely breathe. My eyes and throat were swollen from crying. He told me if I loved him then I should get him help. He said he couldn't afford psychiatry so I was going to have to live with him treating me this way. When I hung up, I told my mom that we both needed help. She made a list of free clinics that staffed therapists. I told her that I was afraid to be at home. I wanted to be locked away somewhere I would be safe from myself. She called The Pavillion, a mental health hospital. She made an appointment for me to check in and stay for a while. Before we went there, we stopped at Nick’s to give Scott the list of clinics. My mom handed him the list and he threw it on the ground. I told him I was leaving. That he had driven me to a point that I felt unsafe from myself. He begged me not to go. He said we would work on our problems together. I believed him, and I didn't go.